Lord of the Rings

I finally saw the movie (Part 1) tonight. Only took my 10 years to get around to it.

What I Learned in Church Today: Fear

Our first meeting today was regarding Eternal Marriage, the second meeting topic was Missionary Work. In both lessons I recognized that there are aspects to both of these things that I am really, really afraid of.

When it comes to marriage, I'm mostly terrified that I wouldn't be any good at it and then I console myself that it hasn't happened for me because God is protecting both me and a potential spouse from the train wreck I could make from the situation! Of course that thinking is completely unhealthy, but it comes from the little devil in my mind. The truth, and the healthy approach, is to remember that marriage is ordained of God and that a faith based marriage is endowed with power from Him to endure even the most boneheaded moves by either spouse.

When it comes to marriage, I worry about making myself or another person uncomfortable. I'm afraid that my testimony might not be well received, and so I often do nothing. The truth is, the errand of sharing the good news about my Savior is one assigned by God and again is endowed with power from Him to endure even the most awkward of testimony deliveries.

And I have allowed a similar fear to spill into so many other areas of my life...all because I fail to remember that I'm a pretty good girl doing my best to be a disciple of Christ. And as long as that is my sincere intent, I will be endowed with power from Him to accomplish every errand he sends me on.

She Wears It Well!

No one looking at this woman can believe that today is her 60th birthday. I've asked that an investigation be launched into a birth-certificate typo! When we are together, she is always taken for my sister...so in that case, my momma doesn't look a day over 29! Right?

Romance

If you were to ask me if I was a romantic, without hesitation I would answer "No!". And as a friend, I'm often a bit of a wet blanket in conversations regarding the matter.

Hollywood drives me crazy with its portrayal of women and men in relationships. Not so much because of how the women are portrayed (emotional, desperate, crazy, irrational, hopeful, hopeless, manipulative, unsatisfied, devoted, yadda yadda...seems about right), but because of how men are portrayed.

Growing up in a locker room-esque setting, I feel like I have a pretty good pulse on the typical American male...and these guys don't go ga-ga for chicks. When I see a man sacrifice everything that is solid, for the wisp of a hope for the love of a strange woman, it kind of makes me gag. When a man suddenly loses his mind in the pursuit of a brief encounter with the woman he's spent his life ignoring, I can't help but roll my eyes. When a man walks away from money and fame and adventurous escapades for a life-time of conversation with a crippled sweetheart, I can't hold in the groan. I don't believe it. I am convinced that these scenarios are more fairy tale than the ones starring the ridiculous vampires!

But this evening, I had to ask myself why I experience such a strong reaction to these romantic moments. Is it because behind my "dead inside" facade, I actually want to believe it? Do I house expectations of triumph over tragedy when I imagine the greatest love story of my life? Do I hypocritically hope to be so important to a man, that he can't help but be with me? Have I let my guard down and allowed Hollywood to shape my hope for romance? And if the answer is yes, can I reverse the effects and allow myself to be open to reality?

I hope that when I see a man works a few extra hours at the office so that his paycheck is just large enough for his wife to buy that new dress, I recognize the sacrifice. And when a man sleeps a few less hours and stays up with the baby so that his wife has the energy necessary to be a good mother to his children, I want to feel myself smile at the gesture. And when I observe a man standing by his partner for months or years in spite of the physical and emotional consequences of a nasty illness, I want to only comment on the strength that must require. And I want to be satisfied that those things are real...and that those things are enough.

Post "Date" Report

The ultimate sign of a good first date is when he schedules your next date before the first one is even over! Dr. Hwang and I are seeing each other again on September 15, so I think that's as much as a girl can hope for from her Cardiologist, am I right?!

I mentioned here that a successful match making tactic for a potential cupid is to Over Promise and Under Deliver...turns out it works well with doctor/patient matches as well. I was convinced that there would be tears at some point during, or soon after, our meeting. However, while he was all business, I was able to get him to crack a hint of a smile, and for this girl that can often be the only encouragement I need!

He had skimmed through my thick patient history but hadn't had time to examine my MRI results. He presented his assessment with a confidence that put me quickly at ease, yet never crossed over to the arrogant side that can come so easily for some who are so successful.

While the MRI study and the Cardiac Ablation will provide more definitive diagnosis and prognosis, he strongly suggested that the condition that I was born with (Cardiomyopathy) is the cause of the new diagnosis (A-Fib) and that he can get me feeling better with the ablation. Longer-term treatment and care are still foggy to me, (if Cardiomyopahy causes A-Fib, don't I want to do something about the cause so that it doesn't have the same effect down the road???) but I'm focusing on one step at a time right now.

I have a month to get ready for our next meeting, so I'll be working on myself physically and mentally and arrive as my best self when we hook-up in a month ;)

Dr. Chun Hwang...Pre-Date Jitters

I am so, so nervous for my first appointment with Dr. Hwang tomorrow afternoon. I even spent time this afternoon considering what to wear! I am as anxious for this introduction as I have been for first dates!!

Medically, I have heard nothing but reports of reverence and awe in regards to his knowledge, skills, and technical approach to dealing with patients in my situation. Former patients, local and distant, have sent his name as a referral as well as 2 friends who have worked directly with him at the hospital. Knowing that the man is aka the "human robot" provides just about as much consolation as one can hope for before he enters your heart to burn misbehaving sections with a wire.

Personally, I have been informed that he is direct and dry in his approach to bedside. I was also warned to brace myself for possible unintentional insults. While I recognize that warmth in tone can often be lost in cultural translation, I am also beginning to better understand that this might be par for the course when dealing with cardiologists...and that hasn't been working for me so well.

I have a lot of questions about my diagnosis, about the symptoms, about the treatments, about the long and short-term care, about restrictions, about success rates, about worst case scenarios, about co-morbidities etc., etc. And I have been told, in not so many words, that my insatiable appetite for information, education, and details is uncommon for the majority of patients with my condition. But the average age of these individuals is double my own. Every technician and nurse that I have interacted with in the last two months has made some kind of comment or reference to my youth. I am told over and over again that they rarely, if ever, see patients so young. I guess you could call me a trailblazer?

Anyhow, I feel strongly that my hunger for information is indicative of my generation. Contrary to the majority of the more senior demographic, my counterparts and I are heavily influenced by a culture that provides endless sources of data. Conversations about any topic from sports, to food, to history, to entertainment, to politics, to the definition of words are often put on hold while someone "Googles that"...shouldn't seem surprising that this would spill on over to medicine.

The fact that specialists in the medical field prefer to have their patients unconscious or unquestioning can't last forever...I don't think my generation will allow it. If we don't receive satisfactory information directly from the docs, we will naturally seek to satiate ourselves online. And shouldn't we be seeking to play an active role in our own health care? Wouldn't that be preferential behavior from diseased patients?

Certainly I don't mean to suggest that the education come directly from the doctor. I understand that their training and skills are directed to hands-on activity and not education, but it is only a matter of time (short time) that patient educators or advocates will be demanded as part of the basic package for health care. (In fact, it sounds like a possible perfect career for me to create for myself!)

My point is, I feel more than lucky to have access to one of the most skilled doctors dealing with A-Fib...but I'm nervous about the inter-personal interaction. I had a good laugh when speaking to a friend this afternoon for a pre-appointment coaching session when she summed it all up with "just be yourself"...total girlfriend pre-date advice, right?

quick update

on my way to the pool this morning I was able to finagle my way in to a cardiac MRI tomorrow morning at 6:30 and a follow up with doc extraordinaire thursday afternoon.

things are moving sudden and swift!

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Ab-Belt...I Might Be Convinced!

These things use to make me giggle like so many Made For TV items do. But since those 4 jolts of electricity on Friday morning, I have been acutely aware of my own abs!

What I Learned in Church Today: Passing Judgement

Matthew 7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

I actually had a lot of thoughts today and wrote down a handful of notes...but the lesson that's seems to be most glaring is the lesson I learned about my own bad behavior.

BUT...I have a really good excuse. I feel rotten. Really, really awful. Consumed with my own discomfort and fatigue, I find myself behaving badly. Characteristics that I thought were solid in my core (like patience and unconditional love) are painfully missing.

I was awful today. My mom attended church with me and after the meetings she kindly observed that I had been particularly "snarky". Then later as I was rehashing and bashing the events of the day with a friend, she made a more direct observation that the conversation wasn't particularly healthy...then advised that it not ever be done with anyone else. From that final comment, I took that what she had observed, had been less than attractive. And I hate being less than attractive!

And she's right...nothing good can come from such a judgy perspective. And why am I finding any value from that standpoint?

I am working through a physical trial right now. It's uncomfortable and it's uncertain and there is so much about it that is outside of my control. But one of the few things I can control is keeping this challenge contained to the physical realm. If I get lazy, this physical challenge could escalate to an emotional or spiritual or personal challenge as well.

Although the comment from my mom initial stung, I'm grateful that she would call it to my attention so that I can reign myself in before allowing myself to become permanently ugly and bitter.

Cardioversion - Summary

I was more anxious for this procedure than I had been for the Angiogram...but it was not nearly as invasive. I'm convinced that the growing anxiety is directly correlated with my growing understanding of the gravity of my situation and nothing at all to do with the procedure itself.

Here are some of the details about yesterday:

* I had the very best nurse (Jake) that I have ever had at a hospital...and I have had a lot of nurses in my lifetime

* I don't know if they require family to leave the room, but neither my mom nor I wanted her in the room...she stepped into the hallway. I was glad she was there, but didn't think either of us wanted her to actually witness

* A minute after mom left, the room got fuzzy. The next thing I knew, she was back in the room and everyone in the room was congratulating each other for a successful Cardioversion

* The whole thing took no more than 10, maybe 5, minutes

* It took 4 attempts, each requiring a new placement of the defibrillator pads until they could find my "sweet spot"

* Contrary to popular rumor among some of my friends, no body piercings or jumper cables were involved...but I do have 4 singe marks on my back and another 4 singe marks on my chest where the defibrillator pads were for each shock

* I could immediately feel the difference. I have been comparing the sensation in my chest with an off-balance washing machine...just slamming around in my chest...but when I came to, it was all gone! And it was marvelous!

* I wasn't nearly as sleepy coming out of this sedation as I was the week before...so I just sort of rested my eyes and dozed in and out. About 45 minutes after the successful procedure, I was wide awake and grabbed at the monitor to check my heart rate. That rotten off-balanced washing machine feeling was coming back

* My mom grabbed the attention of the first nurse she saw outside my room and asked her to come check and see if I was back in A-Fib. But the nurse said it was only extra heartbeats which is different than A-Fib and might have just been the reaction of my agitated heart

* Jake came in another 45 minutes later with discharge papers but before he disconnected all of the monitors, decided to give them one last look...and then he whispered, "oh shoot"

* He confirmed that I was, in fact, back in A-Fib and let me know that I wouldn't be leaving until he had spoken to the doc

* Doc told Jake that he wouldn't consider another attempt at Cardioversion since we had reached my limit, but that we would work quickly to get both a Cardiac MRI and Cardiac Ablation scheduled

* I felt mad. And I felt like a failure. It's not like I hadn't been told this could happen, but I had been so optimistic! And those glorious 45 minutes with no thudding heart turned out to be nothing but a tease! Ugh!

* So I coped the only way I knew how...a movie, popcorn, and an enormous diet coke.

Searching for Silver Lining

(as posted on Facebook)

the good news: after the 4th attempt at Cardioversion, the doc was able to get me out of A-Fib

the bad news: 45 minutes later, I was back in A-Fib

the good news: another procedure, with a world renowned doc is in the works ringer me mended

the bad news: ANOTHER procedure

the good news: since I'm already in A-Fib, a giant diet cole won't hurt a thing!

this girl has got to get herself to sleep so the juicy details will have to wait until tomorrow...


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Happy Events

I'm lucky that sprinkled between worry sessions, I have fantastic moments to celebrate.

My best girl from my college days is expecting her first son, and tonight my mom and I attended the baby shower. I can't believe so much has changed for her in just 3 short years! She was so beautiful tonight and I loved seeing her pregnant belly and imagining her snuggling her perfect little man in just a few weeks. I am very grateful for these small reminders that there is joy all around me.


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The Best Kind of Therapy

This morning I decided that after all of my worries yesterday, I was going to take the day off from being "sick". I was going to think about lots of unimportant things. And where is the best place to see a lot of things that are interesting but unimportant? Correct, Facebook!

And the first thing I read was a personal message from a well-intentioned, former classmate asking:

" Are you better now, or is it something that will never really get better? "

And then I started to think, what if this never really gets better. Sure, I've imagined all sorts of horrible possible futures, and for reasons I don't understand, I'm okay with my own morbid imagination...but are others imagining a dark and dreary future for me as well?!?!

So I closed down Facebook and moved to personal email. And the first message I read was from a well-intentioned friend from church informing me that I have the exact same thing that a mutual acquaintance of ours has. Which was probably meant to provide some relief? I mean, really, how could this girl possibly know that the mutual acquaintance's most defining physical characteristic of toting oxygen, is glaringly represented in my worst case scenario in my mind?

So I closed the laptop and walked away. I thought that maybe some errands and gift shopping would help to clear my mind. I grabbed my keys, hopped in my car with a route mapped in my head....and trudged through my list as I began feeling more and more sorry for myself.

I was left with no other options, so I bought a Diet Coke with extra ice to numb the tension building in my chest. As I neared home, I picked up the mail and found a big box with my name on it! Ignoring the new stack of bills from the doctors I tore into the box to find a little mental health inside...

Dark chocolate almond bark from a friend who couldn't have better timing. I guess what I really needed today wasn't to pull it all together and be stoic...it was to give in to my escalating emotions and do the only thing that feels good these days...eat chocolate.

Cardio-Aversion

While I am confident that technology has much improved, the above image is pretty much all I can think about when I consider my Cardioversion appointment in a few days. I guess there are a lot of blessings that come with a day-by-day mentality, because I have hardly given myself time to freak out over this...until today.

I'm not feeling any doomsday premonitions over this...but I am NOT looking forward to it either.

There's a "faith promoting rumor" that I have heard that goes something like this:

If we all were to sit in a big circle, write our trials on slips of paper, then put them in the center of the circle and draw out something new...well, we'd all just want to draw out the trials we wrote down.

And I recognize that there are some, who are much better than me, who handle greater struggles than my own like champs...but I kind of don't want this anymore either. I kind of wonder where the emotional endurance to put up with the remaining questions and discomfort and frustration is going to come from.

Under-promise...Over-deliver

This is a public service announcement for anyone in the business of setting up singles.

A friend has been telling me for months that I should be dating a man in our ward. And then this friend will list a few of the guys flaws. And then I will laugh and ask why in the world I would be a match for a dull hick like the one described!

Tonight I finally had my first conversation with the "dull hick". And he wasn't dull or hick-ish at all! In fact, I look forward to talking to him again.

From past experience, I know that over-selling a potential match usually results in irreparable disappointment. So while I recognize it's a fine line to walk, I suggest you find that balance between under-selling a potential match and marketing a complete loser before you take your next shot at playing cupid.

What I Learned in Church Today: Be Positive

In my congregation, the first hour of church is spent broken into separate auxiliaries, so the women and men meet separately for gospel discussion. Today, the topic for discussion was Be Positive. (Ironic given that before Salty and I had even finished backing out of the garage for our departure, I was already making excuses to return home early.)

During the discussion, we were asked to individually identify something we do to maintain, or achieve, a positive outlook. I recognized that I often consider how the weight of my words will impact the receiver of those words, and I do my best. for their sake, to put a positive spin on things. Usually the end result is that I believe the words I speak...eventually.

By the time class had concluded, I had mentally agreed to only speak positive words...

...then I was immediately asked how I was doing. And then again. And then again. And then again, etc.

I feel like garbage. I feel discouraged. I feel uncertain. I feel exhausted. I feel picked on. I feel lonely. I feel scared.

But these aren't things you casually mention in a chapel hallway. And the truth is, I don't know how to answer the question because I feel torn. In addition to the feelings I listed above, I also:

Feel fortunate. Feel optimistic. Feel loved. Feel enthusiastic. Feel funny (ha-ha). Feel happy. Feel peaceful.

And if you combine all of those things together, well then, I'm just crazy!

I'm still working on how to be honest, when honest is less than positive. I'm also learning to remember that in spite of the negative, there is still a lot that is positive.

I guess Being Positive is more difficult than I wanted it to be.

Synchronized Add-On

I spent my afternoon escaping the reality of my life by indulging in my favorite summer past-time...the pool! While I have been known to spend stretches as long as 6 hours just floating and lying around, today some fun friends joined and indulged Sassy and I in the funnest game we've made up so far...Synchronized Add-On!

It is similar to the childhood game of Trampoline Add-On (player one does a trick, player two does player one's trick then adds a trick of his/her own, player three does player one's trick then player two's trick then adds a trick of his/her own, and so on! and so on! and so on! (name that 1970's commercial!))

BUT!

Instead of trampoline tricks, each player takes turns adding on synchronized swimming moves! Fun, right? And even better!, is that once you've completed a few rounds, all of the players form a circle facing one another and do the routine all together! Hilarious, right?

There is video footage of today's performance, but given that it's my voice on the recording stating that I will burn someone for posting it anywhere (Where did I pick up such a random, violent threat? "I will burn you"? What is that?), you won't be seeing it...ever.

uh...about that unannounced sabbatical...

so...

the last few weeks this page has been a hospice of sorts...a place where posts come to die. you wouldn't believe the number of poorly written and/or unfinished thoughts i've patched together.

i'm happy to report that, i'm feeling emotionally sterile enough to actually draft something that has a shot at the publish button at the bottom of this page. truth is, i drafted the rest of this post a few days ago as a follow-up to my irresponsible behavior on facebook when i posted a status update while still mildly sedated...for those out of the loop, it came as a bit of a shock. so, by way of an update, here is where things stand for now:

STATUS UPDATE ... LONG-FORM

Bad news isn't fun to share at all...especially when so many of the specifics are currently unknown. But my poor Facebook etiquette on Monday evening has prompted a more complete explanation:

After months of not feeling well, and ignoring many symptoms, I finally saw a cardiologist on July 8. Having been diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart) at the age of 13, I had a doctor already in my rolodex. I was immediately diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation (A-Fib, irregular heartbeat). I was prescribed medications and tests, and have been cruising through podcasts and books on tape while I drive to and from doctor appointments.

Monday was my first invasive procedure, an Angiogram (an x-ray from inside the heart,) in an effort to get a good standing on my arterial health and some data concerning a suspicious membrane near one of the valves. The good news is my arteries are pristine and the membrane is negligible!!! The not so good news is that in addition to the A-Fib, it was discovered that I also have Pulmonary Hypertension (high blood pressure inside the arteries of the lungs).

It has been a relief to know that my feeling like garbage wasn't imagined, and there is comfort in knowing that I'm up against a couple of pretty legit reasons for feeling so lousy.

Now I'm just practicing optimism and patience as I jump through medical hoops to determine the cause (if there is one) and the treatment(s).

I better realize how many people are sincerely concerned for my well-being as prayers and well-wishes are sent my way. Other than blatant flattery, it's all I can ask for right now.

Most importantly, I more clearly understand the impact of "intoxicated" Facebooking. Following all future procedures, I will be sure to keep my iPhone far from me until I can sing the alphabet backward or something.

Flashback: Bryan Adams

A good friend provided a much needed distraction tonight. Sure, you might think that distraction was the dinner we ate or the concert we listened to or the conversation we had or the best firework show I've ever seen live...but you'd be wrong.

The best part of the night was the flashback playlist that he shared on his iPhone. My personal favorite:

Bryan Adams, Everything I Do

Trust me, it's worth linking away for!

Na Na Na Na...Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!

After 14 l-o-n-g days, there is no love lost taking this stuff off and shipping it back to the doctor. Good riddance!

Beauty Tip Turned Medical Tip

I've been using an oil based eye make-up remover for years...to remove eye make-up of course.

But this week I've found a brilliant second use for the good stuff...medical tape residue remover!!!!

Whoo Hoo!!!

It came to my attention when, after 10 days of removing the goo left on my skin from EKG leads and medical tape with an apricot face scrub (hey! maybe i'm not so new to this dual usage stuff!?!?), my skin had begun to scream at me. I had developed these nasty scabs and rashes (TMI?) where the leads attached, and couldn't bring myself to continuing to use the same technique. The make-up remover was sitting on my bathroom counter and I dabbed a little on some of the sticky and, voila! magic!

Hopefully you never have to put this to the test and can just take my word for it...cause I really don't wish this kind of torture on anyone.

p.s. only 1 more day with the monitor!!!!

p.s.s. that darned battery that was never going to need replacing? yeah, i just replaced it for the 3rd time...but this time the spare was in my car and not an hour a way!

Good News!

My very first sister (in-law) is a gorgeous, feminine woman who is a fantastic example of everything ladylike. And while whipping up magic in the kitchen, has been a fabulous mother to three darling boys...sporting sassy platform shoes the entire time!

Today we found out that her 4th is a GIRL!

I know that gender isn't supposed to matter but I am so excited for the next addition to the Denney clan. I can't wait to see this little princess grow up to be the spitting image of her mother and the pride of her father!

First Casualty

Ever since I started taking a blood thinner twice a day, I've been paranoid about papercuts and running into doorways. I never thought that an IV would have been the first evidence of the effects of the drug.


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Jalopy Heart

One thing I've always been good at is medical tests. I know where EKG leads go, I know where my best veins are, I can hold still as long as needed, I don't panic, I'm patient, I have just enough personality to endear the techs to me...but I never get annoying or naggy.

But so far today, my lemon of a heart is betraying me at every turn. We really struggles getting an IV in, my heart rate was too bonkers for the treadmill and we had to default to drug induced stress, and a 15 minute imaging session just took me 45 minutes.

I'm only halfway through and hopeful that this poor behavior will end soon.


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A Welcome Distraction

Tuachan!!!


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Greek Tragedy

This past week has piqued my imagination from a deep sleep.

The Scene (In My Head):

Mount Olympus, The Greek gods are tired and bored and tossing out ideas to keep them entertained. They arrive at the consensus that they would find one of Earth's most content mortals and see what kind of drama they can stir up.

Flash to Earth, I am found lounging by the pool communicating with friends new and old, talking of all of the books and plays and movies and conversations and adventures filling my every day. I have a beautiful tan, an infectious smile, and there is no line of stress to be found on my youthful face. I am grateful and happy and calm. I declare that I have found an inner peace that nothing can disrupt.

Mount Olympus, The gods explode in laughter at the sound of my declaration. Goddess Hygeia sends down a disease, then one by one, they up the ante. Tossing ridiculous complications at the already morbid situation, growing more hysterical and absurd with each one!

The Scene (In Reality):

Well, you've read the day by day. This past week has been a wicked divorce from the Utopia I had built. Exhausted and beaten last night, I crawl into Sassy's guest bed in Utah County...an hour from my home. At 1:30 a.m. the heart monitor and transmitter both beep at me. During initial set-up, the nurse assured me that while she included replacement batteries in my supply kit, I wouldn't be needing them...but the electronics disagreed. I had taken the nurses word as law and had not bothered to pack a battery with me...so, I assured myself that it was probably similar to my iPhone which notifies me when I'm at 20% (still plenty of power), and I roll over and fall back asleep. 90 minutes later, they squawk again for attention.

I stumble out of bed and search for Sassy's television remote control. Assuming that all AA batteries are created equal I swap them and head back to bed...only to find the notifications have quickened the pace...to 10 second intervals. I quickly dress and stumble out to my car just before 4:00 to make my way to the nearby grocery store. Disheveled and heralding my arrival with an angry machine attached to my body I beeline it for the battery isle. Turns out a 3.6 volt AA battery is not a mainstream luxury. I convince myself that the lithium battery will be an upgrade from the alkaline I stole from the remote and march to the check-out...where I find a very concerned checker anxious to usher me through.

The exchange makes no impact and I determine that Wal-Mart will be the source of my only life's wish...a 3.6 volt AA lithium battery. Wal-Mart is an epic fail and I find myself standing in the parking lot at 4:00 a.m. silently screaming inwardly as there is no reason to compete with the siren attached to my chest.

I am certain that my rapidly increasing heart-rate is only sucking the remaining juice of the battery more quickly and I do the only "rational" thing I can think of. I climb in my car and begin the 60 minute drive home. Was I worried about falling asleep at the wheel? HA! Not at all! The dead couldn't sleep through my medical alarm!

At this point, I am convinced that the next jab from a bored god is only minutes away and that I am destined to receive a traffic ticket. But either the gods were sleeping, or my cruise control was too powerful to be defeated...because I made it home, slipped inside, swapped the battery and then drank in the silence.

The story might have ended there as I climbed into the bed I was sitting on...but that wouldn't be interesting at all! See, I had stayed in Utah County so that I could drive Sassy and her mom to the airport this morning. Also, when I set off hours ago to fetch a battery, I never imagined that it would land me back in my beautiful bed...so I'd left my belongings, including the monitor charger, at Sassy's home. Then again, I did the only "rational" thing I can think of...crack a diet coke and get back in my car for an hour long return trip.

In Conclusion (In My Head...or Reality...You Make the Call):

My imagination is being overactive...and I have begun being overly dramatic. There is no sinister team of minions working against me, it just feels that way in the middle of the night. The batteries got replaced, I didn't wreck in a bad scene of drowsy driving, no state trooper clocked me speeding in a construction zone. The only consequence of the evening is being made known as the pitting edema (often exacerbated by lack of sleep) grows rapidly...putting a damper on my weekend wardrobe for sure!

Battle with a COBRA

It's been stinking of government programs for days. Today, it stank bad!

As part of my "severance" from my last employer, I was offered health insurance benefits through May with the option of COBRA to follow. I received the forms, signed my name and sent them back, along with payment, to the address indicated on every single page of the document.

I have had no claims or doctor visits and had no reason to doubt that things weren't moving along as promised. However, the return address was incorrect and the paperwork was never received. Additionally, the employer switched providers and never included me on the enrollments. Technically, I am uninsured.

Given the nature of my diagnosis, and the astronomical of the tests I've already taken and have scheduled, this is bad news. Even worse news, I have wicked pre-existing condition status. If there is one thing in my life that I am ever diligent about, it is my health insurance. It's not a joke to me and I know that the financial and physical consequences are bigger than anything I can conquer.

I've had to cancel the urgent tests and put my faith in an insurance broker that this will be resolved before the symptoms of my condition knock me flat. Although my former employer and the insurance broker assure me that in time (possibly another week) they will be able to sort it out, I am agitated and frustrated and feeling very much the victim today.

So, I have to look to myself and ask how I might have had a hand in arriving here. I am the one who asked for a greater measure of faith. This situation is clearly beyond my own control and, as reported by my contacts, it may be beyond their control as well. So the only action left for me to take is to exercise my faith. To humbly kneel and pray that it will be okay, in plenty of time, and that I won't continue to feel panicky or sorry for myself.

Tiny Glimmers

Today was mostly sad. No particular reason other than I'm just exhausted by optimism. I slumped around my routine today barely making a noticeable effort. I was pretty convinced that I was creeping toward the "dark side". And then, subconsciously I dialed up the band Oasis on Grooveshark.

I know this might seem insignificant, but Oasis was my life's theme music once. I had just finished up my time at BYU and spending a few months tying things up in Utah Valley before making the move to Denver. I had no concrete plan for my life...but I was hopeful...I was dreamfilled.

I hope my sub-conscious is trying to remind me that even though I've never really been good at dreaming big, I'm still allowed to.

Back It Up!

Yesterday's post was prematurely optimistic. I reported that I was improving....

The good news is, I'm maintaining a positive attitude? I wanted so badly to be better that I was convinced that I was...

The bad news is, the 24 hour feed from my heart to my doctor says otherwise.

The doc called this afternoon to ask how I was feeling. He's not seeing an improvement and has proposed a more aggressive approach...doubling the Diltiazem, then adding a blood thinner. The blood thinner is prep work for a procedure called Cardioversion. I won't lie, I hate this news.

I've felt awful for ages, I know how to deal with the physical fatigue. I'm not so confident about my attitude and I'm very wary about emotional fatigue.

I watched the movie 17 Miracles with a friend this afternoon and left desiring to get over myself and my problems, pull it all together, and get a little faith. The call from the doctor only came an hour later...and I confess, I lost my resolve.

The past few months I had become so skilled at ignoring and/or explaining away all of the symptoms...now the palpitations seem quicker, the pain feels more intense, my breath seems more difficult to catch, I'm more nauseous and more sleepy. I don't really think things have escalated, they're just more difficult to escape.

Diltiazem

It is just about 24 hours since I began taking the meds. I don't want to take them, but I can't deny that I can already tell the difference. 2 days ago my heart was beating at a violent pace with no discernible pattern. Today my heartbeat is still irregular, but it is not nearly as frantic as it was just 2 days ago.

That's a really good thing...

...except that it came from a pill. I'm having a hard time digesting the idea of having to take a regimen of meds everyday. I know it's early. I know that the docs can't determine anything unless I'm being a good patient and following protocol. I know that faith can heal a lot of things...

...so...I will work on the faith stuff.

I Don't Feel Well

Wow. What a relief it is to admit that. I don't feel well...at all. I feel like garbage. I've felt like garbage for months.

But...

Only wimps are sick. Only wimps call doctors. Only wimps are too tired to do what a normal person can do in a day.

So...

I've spent the past few months feeling physically lousy and beating myself up for it. I should sleep different hours...I should eat differently...I should treat myself for allergies...I should be tougher...I should exercise more...I should exercise better...I should, I should, I should. But I couldn't and didn't and wouldn't.

See, I was diagnosed with a heart disease when I was 13 years old. And I spent years in doctor's offices trying to understand why I didn't feel as well as my friends and family. And in the end, there was nothing that ever came from it beyond worry and excuses. So, over the years, I have learned to ignore the aches and pains and odd things that happen to my body because somewhere I picked up the notion that I wasn't worth the investigation. That I was broken. That there was nothing to be determined. That I needed to learn how to be tougher.

When historic symptoms began to flare 3 weeks ago, I began my usual regimen to address the discomfort. But my body didn't respond. So I upped the effort, the meds, the sacrifices, the discipline. But my body didn't respond. I spent the 4th of July with friends at a BBQ and fireworks and through conversation with a nurse friend, recognized that perhaps my symptoms had advanced to an impressive level. I agreed that I would follow-up with a visit to my doctor that week. The next morning, I was informed that my physician would be out of town until this next week...so, I hung up the phone and added another tactic to my regimen. By Thursday, I was really dragging and when Salty got home from a day of work at the clinic (she's a P.A.), I asked her to take a listen to my heart. She seemed surprised by what she heard, and I shrugged it off with a downplay comment about how loud my murmur was. She informed me that the murmur was there, but not alone. Having spent years listening to the sound of my heart, I took a turn...and heard something I've never heard before. I agreed to push for an appointment with my cardiologist the next day.

After a few early morning phone calls to the doc's office, I finally secured myself a 1:00 p.m. appointment. By the time 1:00 rolled around, I was feeling sheepish about pushing my way in, certain that I was overreacting and that it was just going to be more of the same with no solution. I apologized to the M.A. as she came to take my vitals. But after she recorded a severe increase to my resting blood pressure and heart rate, she rolled in the EKG, confident that the doc would absolutely want to run the test.

The doc came in and asked about my symptoms (severe pitting edema, fatigue, palpitations, shortness of breath, cold sweats, dizziness, chest pain, hoarse voice, did i mention pitting edema? what about fatigue?) and then I apologized again and said that if it was just same old, same old that I would be happy to leave...

...but it's not same old, same old. It's new and more serious than I want it to be. Atrial fibrillation is something that old people have. In fact, deciding on my treatment will be tricky because what you might be willing to do for the rest of an 80 year old's life, you don't want to do to a 36 year old for life.

I'm attached to a holter monitor for 2 weeks, I have 4 hours of tests scheduled next Wednesday, I'm waiting for a report on a full blood chem and urinalysis, I'll be scheduling a 24 hour pulse oximetry test this week, and I'm on a regimen of new drugs. I haven't taken regular prescriptions for over 10 years...in fact, as I stood in the kitchen this morning battling with the decision to start taking them, I was only convinced when Salty told me that the side effects of a stroke are worse than the side effects of the pills (man am I a sucker for a death threat!)

So now, it's a lot of waiting. And I pray for some awesome distractions to get me out of my head. Dough Boy and a neighbor gave me a Priesthood Blessing last night and I do feel an amazing sense of comfort...but it hasn't completely stopped the unexpected outbursts of tears, or worry, that creep into my mind.

Physically, I'm not well...I really don't feel good. My first emotional reaction is relief at permission to not feel well...and then every imaginable emotion races in for attention. If you read these posts with any regularity, you can expect the next weeks to be all over the place...a mixture of vulnerability and denial. It should be exciting, no???

Hello...is this thing on...?

Tonight was nutty. I drove 30 miles from Dough Boy's home to mine...and can't remember a minute of the drive. It happens sometimes when I have a lot on my mind. And usually posts happen daily with stuff on my mind. I can verify that I've started a post every single day...but have felt too tired or insecure to publish them all. I promise that tomorrow I'll fill in the blanks of the past week and give a little insight to where my mind has been.

Christy Ann

Happy Birthday Sis!!

(If you don't already, follow her here)

About Those Summer Nights...

I spent the later part of the evening at Mad Mardy's Karaoke...and that was the view! (taken by a lousy camera phone...so fill in the gaps with spectacular imagination!)

You Know You're Living the Good Life When...

Removing these:



was the toughest thing you've had to do in ages!

Good thing I found these:

Utah is Awesome: Reason #487

Kristy and I came out of the movie theater just after 9:00 p.m. tonight and it was still bright outside. In fact, at the peak, it's still been light at 10:00 p.m. Utah summer sunsets are amazing!

Paying Dues

I've identified my number one obstacle to getting into theater...paying my dues. Few performers start their career cast in the ideal show, with the ideal cast, and the ideal role. I've seen a number of performances recently that are painful to sit through...and I don't think my pride can handle it. Even if I feel decent about my own performance, I have a hard time subject others to a full production that isn't at least entertaining.

I'm a snob, right? I want the best without having to earn my way there. I'm too old to rightfully belong to the entitlement generation, so what's my deal?

Love-Love

Since I accomplished my 2011 hobby goal earlier this month, I've decided to add another hobby goal to the year...to play more tennis.

I'm not exactly sure how to quantify my skill improvement, but I know that I'll only get better by playing more often. And I can only play more often if my friends and family jump on board.

So...tennis anyone?

Trust

Friday night I re-met a tool from my past. When I mentioned to Salty that he was, in fact, a tool from my past, she commented that I seemed to have a lot of those! But she's right, I do. I rebutted that while my overall numbers seemed high, my ratio was probably no different than anyone else.

I follow Single Dad Laughing and his post today reminded me of that conversation. Dan and I share our approach to trust. In fact, I was mentally writing his summary paragraphs before I even got to reading them. As I read his set-up outlining scenarios where distrust is rampant, I kept thinking 'It isn't about trusting others! It's about trusting yourself to handle yourself regardless of others!!' I was so relieved when he got to that at the end.

The majority of the time I have no concern about whether or not I will be influenced to do something that contradicts who I am or what I believe. I don't worry about being sold something I don't want, I don't worry about being in a relationship that makes me unhappy, I don't worry about abandoning my values because someone I interact with lives differently. Does it mean that I have to say no a lot...yes. Does it mean I have opportunity to say yes even more...absolutely!

Reconciliation

Today was another installment of "My life is great and I have just about everything a girl could want". I spent the afternoon at the pool with Sassy's parents (she's out of the country and her dad invited me down anyhow, because they just love me like that)...then I had fish tacos for dinner...then I met some girls at an outdoor amphitheater for a little community Scarlet Pimpernel.

And this was kind of a slow day for me in terms of events. I really feel so lucky to be in the space I am in right now. But I know that I have some critics. And while I maintain that I am not ashamed, and feel no need to apologize, I did spend some time today asking myself how I can feel so much peace when just the notion of my situation can cause others discomfort.

My final thoughts may change on the subject, but as I get ready to lay down my head for some very peaceful sleep, this is my current hypothesis...Karma.

I am not the victim of anything...but adult style trials started showing up early in my life. The death of my brother, disease, concern about my own mortality, abandonment, standing-up alone, loneliness, disappointment - much of this before I even left the safety of my parents home. Then as I ventured out on my own I continued to bump up against life's challenges. I often lacked finesse, but I always found a way to get through it. And with each victory, I found myself more and more fatigued. And I would often plead from my knees for a break.

I know from experience that the tough moments are what make us interesting and fantastic...but I was as interesting and fantastic as I thought I could handle, and I couldn't imagine that my life necessitated continual refinement at such a chaotic pace.

And now...here I am...in this most tranquil of places. I've happily discarded my harder and grumpier coping devices in exchange for happiness and peace. I'm rarely disappointed in anything. I feel blessed and joyful many times throughout every day. I'm beginning to understand what is most important to me, and I'm willing to be made aware of weaknesses standing in my way.

I might be wrong, but I feel like this is a short break from the Refiner's Fire...and that I've earned the right to be here. I don't expect it to last forever (cause let's be honest, who doesn't want to become more interesting and more fantastic), but I do expect that I will soak up every second while it lasts!

What I Learned in Church Today: Love

John 13:34-35

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

I taught Sunday School today. It might have been a hot mess.

There was sooooooo much doctrine to cover in the assigned passages (Luke 22, John 13-15) and we barely scratched the surface. But we did scratch the portion that had stuck with me through my weeks of preparation...the commandment to Love One Another.

I have a ton of notes of things I think I see more clearly now, but in summary, I would say that the quickest way to understand how to follow the command, is to really understand God's love for us. Once we really, really get it....deep in the core of ourselves....then loving others is a piece of cake.

I'm blessed. I have been well loved in my life. I have family and friends that I have no doubt love me completely. Their examples have been a starting point for me to understand how God can love me completely. And that makes it so easy for me to love those that I meet. I don't necessarily have to approve of their choices, or even want to spend my time with them. But I can treat all of the people with kindness and make my best attempt at helping others feel some of the love that I feel in buckets.

UF9 Branch Out

I attend a congregation specific for 31-45 year old single members of the LDS church in south Salt Lake. There are so many things that could be said about this congregation...but most of those things are more fun to talk about in person! So I'll stick with some positives.

The active members of this "Branch" are diligent and hard working. Last night, the activities committee hosted a campout in Midway, UT and outdid themselves in terms of location and food!

The underlying expectation, was that we would have the opportunity to branch outside of our comfortable social circle and meet new people. That was done, I met some individuals that I had never spoken with before. Let this be a commentary on me...I was bored. By 9:30 I was hoping I could sneak off to my sleeping bag without being noticed and obtaining a scar on my super social reputation. But good things come to those who wait!

One by one, people from the branch who I knew, but not well sat down at the table for some conversation. It wasn't too long before we decided that rather than "branching out", we'd "root down" and get to know each other a little better than the superficial level that we had already established. There's something about late night, and something about being outdoor by candlelight, and something about the right combination of personality coming together for a short time that can make for some fantastic moments in life!

In just a few hours time we irreverently created inside jokes and bonds that I will always appreciate and reference! Those really are my favorite pieces of my life. I'd been asked earlier in an introduction how I would describe the ultimate Friday night. Of course I said that dancing, anyplace/anywhere, was my definition of the perfect way to pass time...but I might take that back. I might say that an upbeat playful conversation with interesting people might be my new favorite Friday night!

Disco Toes

My feet and are are loving all of the attention we've been getting since MEG accessorized us in Powell. Meggy, do share! What is the contact URL for ordering my own batch? My toes never want to be naked again!!!

It's Getting Hot in Here...

...So I took off most of my clothes. Seriously, it was a really hot day and the house was really hot, so when I got home from working out, I went tribal and took to wearing very little while I did some studying.

(or link here)

Powell Rundown (Pt. 2)

...continued

DAY 4 - Thank the heavens for ZipFizz! I would never have been able to be able to manage this hardworking day of sun worship.

SIL Kristy has introduced our family and friends to her family's Shrimp Boil tradition, and it is such a cool meal at Lake Powell (although the CDC would have definitely advised that a finger licking meal would have been a rotten idea for our quarantined boat!)

This was also Pirate Day. Given the previous nights events, and the fact that the stomach bug appeared to be contagious, our camp spot was appropriately designated "Heave-Ho Cove" for the day. A map and key and treasure box were all discovered to produce a very impressive booty box (seriously, these kids have the very coolest/creative parents and grandparents).

As soon as the kids had settled into bed, we took off quick to find enough cell service to wish our missing brother Happy Birthday. While I know he would have loved to be at Powell with us, it was hard to feel too bad for him at his Hawaiian Resort with his family and our parents.

DAY 5 - By far, the hottest day of our trip. So much so, that I put tanning second next to reading my book and even polished off a few chapters in the shade.

There was a building of a bonfire and a visit from some childhood friends and their boys who were camped in a neighboring canyon.

We were in charge of fiesta day and in addition to providing a Nacho bar, we intended to have a pinata. We had all the goodies for one, but in a boneheaded move, I failed to pick one up. I did what I could with a black garbage bag and some water balloons to create a Meekus pinata.

The evening with the kids was finished off with S'mores, a bonfire, creative lighting of fireworks and a great time had by all. Once the kids were down, the parents started their own party. There's a game we made up years ago before there were young children on our trips. After dark, the boys would use a 3-man water balloon launcher to shoot water balloons straight up above us on the deck. We'd then sit still in anticipation waiting for it to come back down. Most of the time, the sickening thud on the top of the boat was a huge moment of relief as you found yourself safe and dry...occasionally...you'd find yourself less lucky. The game doesn't work so well with sleeping babies on board...But with a fantastic rock surface as our anchor spot, we took the game to the land. As the thrill fizzled out, John felt inspired to propose a Pirate raid on our neighbor friend's boat. Although they had small children on board, they had no women and the proposal was vetted. 7 parents and 5 single's climbed into the speedboat for a moonlit adventure.

The cliff-notes version is that after some gender arguments regarding who ruined the surprise, a very echo-y diet coke cameo, some covert black ops work by John and Brett, and some creative pot stirring by the McMullin siblings, the joke was had and our side felt victorious. We have been blessed with super fun friends who are willing to be part of the joke and/or graciously take the joke and/or appreciate the joke...which means we will probably never grow up!

DAY 6 - I've mentioned sun worship on every day...but the truth is I had been religious with the sunscreen all week. My master plan was to go al natural on the final day and let it burn baby! But the thick overcast clouds had a different plan. So the day was spent doing some sightseeing with the nephews as we played tourist in the Forgotten Canyon and at the Moki Steps.

By early evening, we began preparations to wrap up the week. Phase I cleaning began and we pulled anchor and headed for Hobie Beach.

DAY 7 - This is always the day when you really pay your dues for all the fun you've had. All of my final day memories have included a hot sweaty miserable cranky morning of cleaning. In the past we have waited until the final morning to head into the marina and consequently have had the added chaos of all the bodies on board. This year, we were able to dismiss the most distant travelers, the men, and the babies and do a more time efficient and effective clean. We were done so early that we were almost at risk being too early for Stan's!

Stan's is the last tradition of the Powell trip. It's a hamburger joint in Hanksville where you're fast food deprived body can get its fix with a burger/fry/oreo shake combo meal (Thanks John!)

The drives home were uneventful, which is crazy fortunate given the drowsy state of the drivers. My narcolepsy prevention of choice...Podcasts!

Summer Solstice...Celebration!

I was too busy being fun and loving my life to actually take photographs of it.

In summary, I acquired a killer tan line during the day and soaked in the late sunset with friends at an outdoor concert.

Summer looks dang good on me!

Powell Rundown (Pt. 1)

If you've been there, well...there's nothing I can say, cause you just know. If you haven't...what?! Why?! Go!!!!!!!

DAY 1 - Wow....Utah is so beautiful. God's country. The extended winter and rainy spring has made our deserts bloom. The perfect scenery for a long solo drive...belting along with my favorite CDs, of course. Good thing I was on such a high when Ranger Roberts ticketed me for speeding. Was I, yes. 6 miles over the limit. Boo.

I shook it off and met the boys at the beach just like we planned and we were off to the houseboat as the boys entertained me with stories of the previous night's vomit (2 of my nephews).

It wasn't long before the night was shattered by a scream from the oldest of my nephew. His forehead caught the edge of an oar and there was an emergency boat ride to shore for stitches. The remaining Denney's gathered around on the top deck for some fun catching up as we waited for the patient to return.

DAY 2 -We set out early on the ski boat, but the "perfect spot" for a houseboat caught our eye just around the corner from our current spot so a few of us were dropped off on shore to hold the spot while the rest of the crew went back to pull anchors and relocate the whole production. I won't pretend that I did much more than catch mad rays the rest of the day.

We were treated with a visit from "Meekus" in the evening. Meekus is the Lake Powell monster that eats naughty children. Fortunately, our kids had all been obedient...mostly...and we were spared a monster feast.

DAY 3 - A few of us took off for some tubing in the mid-morning. As we started up the boat, there was a weird beeping noise and we took some time to check fluids and make sure there were no problems. We didn't get far from camp before we saw 8 foot swells and a dust cloud. An enormous chunk of canyon wall had come sliding down into the lake. We were torn between pulling in the tubers and getting out of danger's way. Big credit goes to my bro who maneuvered through the swells to get the boat, passengers, and tubers back to calmer waters. We raced back to camp to check on the houseboat only to find them in panic and screaming "TSUNAMI" (aka "Salami!"). The water had receded from the shore and there was a panic about equipment damage. Once we confirmed that we and our neighbors were safe, it became just a really cool thing to have witnessed.

That evening John and Christy hosted a Jersey Shore dinner with an Italian feast and a mandatory Guido/Guidette hairstyle for all. We followed it up with mafia style minute-to-win-it. Good times!

There was a teenage boy with us who had been fighting a headache all day...just as we settled in to our sleeping bags for the night, he started puking over the side of the houseboat...every 30 minutes...like clockwork. It was impossible to sleep through. And then it escalated when a 2nd teenage boy joined the puke party...but he was off by 15 minutes...and he puked with less finesse...the sound effect reminded me of a demon exorcism. John hadn't realized that a second guy had joined the efforts and by morning was concerned that the kid might have died from so much violence!

(to be continued...i'm sleepy...still working off the lake powell jet lag i guess?)

My Dad's the Greatest Guy...

He really is so cool. And maybe I've never given him enough credit for that. Having just spent a week in Lake Powell without him I really missed his natural gift for being fun, having fun, and instigating fun.

I take full responsibility for the years when we weren't best buds...those teenage years can be rough on a girl. As I've matured, I've found a great friend and confidant in my father. Although others will often tell me I'm just like mom (thanks for the confidence, and great hair/skin!), I actually have inherited a lot of who I am from my dad (thanks for the professional integrity, and desire to be obedient!

He's no ordinary man...and I'm an extraordinarily blessed daughter.

Rodeo

A crazy thing happened to me on the way home from Powell...

...I got talked into Strawberry Days Rodeo.

I was tired and G-O-O-F-Y, but maybe that made for even more good times!

(kimi d, the husband, sassy, jess, brad)

If you're reading this...

...then something terrible happened to me at Lake Powell. Something terrible, like an overload of fun and I'm just too exhausted to try and post something tonight!