February Update

New tactic...I will continue to review the month in goals 3 or 4 days before the end of the month, because recognizing failure is a pretty decent motivator.

Having beaten myself up for a lousy month, I ended up pulling a couple of rabbits out of the hat:

• A date (ish)
• A night with a friend I've lost touch with
• Enrolled in a BYU class
• Lost another pound

I wish that I wasn't so motivated by the fear of failure...I'd like to find more of my motivation from the pursuit of success. But let's be honest, as long as I get there, I guess it doesn't matter?

LOL

I've found that I've picked up a really awful habit...I'm freakishly happy at church. Big smile, everything everyone says is hysterical, bright eyes, cheerful laughter, breezy gestures! It's ridiculous!

Why?

Because it's all a fairly transparent act. See, I happen to know that I'm being watched. And I want to be sure that anytime he get's a glimpse of me, I appear to be deliriously happy! And I'm not necessarily unhappy, but church is not causing me to live in euphoria...pride is. I want him to regret his distance and crave to be near me and somewhere in my sub-conscious, I decided that this was the right tactic.

I need a new hobby, don't you agree?

Patti Stanger Wouldn't Count It...But...

I thought my goal to go on one date a month was shot when my two top potentials both turned up out of town this weekend. I've been benched the last 2 weeks with this lousy sickness...so I was panicky that I was going to finish February dateless...and depending on who you ask (Patti), I still did.
But, I did spend the evening with R.A., who is an All-Star bachelor, at a fantastic performance of I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. Loved, loved, loved it! Can't believe the theater wasn't packed. I'll be doing my best to talk all of my friends into seeing it next weekend.
Talented cast, witty script, I laughed to tears a few times, tried to imagine a PG rated re-write for my ward, and now my mind is racing with questions and ideas that might get me involved in something similar sometime soon. I think the comedic irreverent scripts might be my forte...and this script is nothing if it isn't comedic and irreverent.
February Date - Check(ish)
Great Night at the Theater - Double Check(no ish)

F is for February

F is also for Failure.

I just ran through my 2011 goals and this has been a ROUGH month for me. I am worse off at the end of this month than I was before all of the successes I thought I had in January.

Of all of my goals, there are only two for which I am still on track...the acting and voice class, and the giving up of my former favorite sin. So maybe I'm not quite as bad as where I started the year, but wow! have I lost focus!

I've heard that February is statistically the most depressing month of the year. Leaving my job (and to some extent, my identity) as well as getting knocked on to my backside with a wicked flu hasn't helped me to get out there and make a difference!

So I recommit today! No excuses! No waiting! I'm shaking off the "F"ing month and moving on!

Want Ads...Are Creepy

I've been really, really, really, really, really lucky about my living situation. And until this afternoon, I had no idea.

I have an open mind and a collection of friends from nearly every walk of life. I invite their differences into my world because I think it brings color and perspective and I feel such a high level of security in what I choose for my life, that I never feel threatened by the choices of my Motley Crew. But when it comes to my home...my roommate...I guess I'm not so open. I've never really given it much thought and have just naturally found myself with rental options to live with conservative, like-minded friends.

Background - I've been in my current place just over 3 years. My roommate and I first lived together back in the college days and when she bought her home, I rented 2 rooms from her. We're friends, share a list of mutual friends, and still have enough of our own thing going on that there isn't much suffocation. She's starting grad school in the fall and in an effort to save some cash before it begins, has decided to move in with her dad (rent free) and rent out her entire home for a price far outside my budget. I knew it was coming and had a great destination picked...but lost that option earlier this week. I quickly found another option with a friend closing on a home at the very end of March. Then this afternoon, my current roommate let me know that she had a potential renter and wanted us out of here ASAP. Given my current employment situation, I've got plenty of time available to me, so I fired up Craigslist and started a search.

I quickly found that my "open mind" wasn't open enough. I appreciate the candor of those who posted the ads for roommates. Far better to know the intimate preferences and recreational drug usage of your prospects from the very beginning than have to deal with a messy breach of contract later...but wow!

As I looked through nearly 600 listings, I wondered, "Where are my people? Why aren't there more single/female/30-something/conservative/prude yet fun/affordable roommate seekers?" Why? Because those girls got married and currently have a husband and 5 non-paying roommates...they aren't looking for a pal to rent an extra room.

Lucky for me, I was able to talk a friend who had graduated to living alone into humoring me for a short while. I think it will be a fun arrangement. She has plenty of space for me and my things...including a spot in the garage - Hallelujah! It's a decent commute, but until I can figure out an employment situation...well it will be a short commute to my laptop and the Want Ads for work...maybe?

Too Much!

I took 7 bags of clothes to DI today...I could easily take another 7.

Why do I have so much stuff? Why is it so hard to get rid of it?

Cast Your Vote

According to author Tracy McMillan in her article "Why You're Not Married" I am one (or more) of the following:

• A Bitch
• Shallow
• A Slut
• A Liar
• Selfish
• Not Good Enough

Husband Hunting

When my friend Deepthi (an Indian nobel) heard that I was quitting my job, she was quick to offer her advice: "You must take this time to find a husband", she said. And she meant it. She is convinced that my social status is 100% caused by my hyper-hypo work ethic. She's equally convinced that if I were to channel that dedication into the pursuit of a spouse, I'd be married by fall.
I was quick to attribute her attitude to our cultural differences. In India the process of courtship and marriage are approached with a very similar strategy to business development. You find a list of possible ventures, you evaluate each thoroughly, yet quickly, and then you pull the trigger. Simple. Hahahahahaha! Simple!!!
But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe she doesn't have a point? Maybe I'm hopeful that she's right? Clearly, there's something inside of me that wants there to be a simple solution. To my immediate left is a bookshelf with the following titles screaming out to me: The Secrets of Winning Men, A Single Voice, Find a Husband After 35, Mars and Venus on a Date, Kissing a Frog, Better Than Beauty. And I've read them all, some more than once, expecting to find that magic component that I've somehow missed! I've signed up for eHarmony and accepted every blind date that has been arranged. I've dated men longer than I wanted in the hopes that something inside of me would suddenly switch and I'd find I'd been swept off my feet.
But the reality is I'm mostly skeptically and occasionally mildly humored...but not really convinced that I know how to make anything happen.
I need a merit badge, or a hunting license, or any kind of instruction to understand what it takes. I know that I'm far from perfection, but I bring enough to the table to be considered decent bait...so how do I get my "buck"?

Topless

(I know the photo is a little racy...but I didn't want to google "topless photos" and we all know that I love janet...so I thought I'd pay homage to my (fingers crossed) future employer as well as spare myself the xxx google results)

I mentioned in this post that my life has felt like an ill-fitted shirt for quite some time. I knew I needed to change into something more comfortable?...more flattering?...more me?...more something?...but I didn't have anything to change into. So I stalled. But it didn't help. At all.

So after a lot of pressure and surprise decisions, here I am...topless of sorts.

And it feels...amazing! I've never thought of myself as a nudist kind of girl but there's some kind of euphoria and freedom in the lack of a wardrobe. It's uncharacteristic for me to not have a plan, not have a definition to live up to. I'd thought that being in the wrong shirt was better than being in no shirt. But not so far.

I recognize that my being "topless" is probably uncomfortable for a lot of other people. My parents certainly can't be thrilled about their middle aged, single daughter having no direction. I went to dinner with a group of artist friends recently and it was clear that I have a reputation for being one of the reliable or stable ones. A good friend was completely floored by my mention of looking into collecting unemployment.

And, in all honesty, it can't possibly be comfortable for me long-term. Topless people must get cold eventually, right? And there are so many places with the "No Shirt, No Service" signs. And my ability to express a sense of style or accessorize will be greatly limited!

But I'm going to enjoy it for now. And I'm going to try on a few shirts before I commit to one. Perhaps some haute couture?!

Toxic Tonic

When your vocal coach tells you that a tonic of 2 tsp of cayenne pepper and 2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar will help you feel better quickly, what she meant to say was that you are about to die a quick and painful, fiery death!

It was so intense that I lost my mind and my sense of humor. I emitted some demonic sound from my belly and then began breathing in a crazed rhythm. I frantically gulped milk and shoved handfuls of TUMS down my throat. The feeling that Satan had given birth deep in my gut probably only lasted 5 minutes, but it was a very dramatic 5 minutes.

I have to laugh at myself for so blindly trusting Bonnie. Maybe it's a case of hero worship? All I know is that I still can't breath, but my fatigue has suddenly disappeared...I am WIDE awake!

Boo! Flu!

I should have expected this. It happens every time I have a major life transition. I'm sick.

Not just cough-cough, sniffle-sniffle sick...but, please let it end! sick!!!

I'm hearing rumors of Pneumonia and 2-4 week flu but I'm hopeful that no stress and the freedom to take it easy will help me get better more quickly.

Please! Please! Help me get better quickly!

O turns 1!

I can't believe I didn't take a photo of Owen and I for our private 1 year birthday party. Just the two of us playing cars and laughing and dancing to the Backyardigans!
The year has gone so fast...it really doesn't seem that long ago that I was sitting in Kristy's pre-labor room waiting for him to show up. And then I stood outside the nursery watching my baby brother with his new son...it's definitely a favorite memory.
So O and I played and celebrated until he wore out and I got to tuck him in and be grateful for how lucky our family is!

Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

I got to go to the temple in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, and not worry about the calls/emails/meetings I was missing! It was glorious!

I told my bishop tonight that this feeling could be confirmation that I've made the right choice...or ignorance that I've done a very stupid thing. But until I know for certain, I'm going to enjoy every minute of it!

I
FEEL
FREAKING
FANTASTIC!

Happy Valentines Day!

I am loved. Friends and family and more recently, my new boyfriend who had to be out of town today since he "drives truck" and all. He sent me a "flext" this morning. I don't know...he might be the one!

Pre-Valentine

I don't hate Valentine's Day. I don't love it either. I've only had a boyfriend to celebrate with once before and we weren't super serious or in love. I don't mind that romance swirls all around me. And I appreciate the gestures that come from friends and family. But I have no expectations for romance in my life just because it's February 14.

But after the February 13th I have just had...I might start to get a little demanding. Today I heard the best line of my life. Sergio was introducing himself to me today after church. He was charming enough and I gave him my phone number, but I had people waiting for me and needed to leave. I told him that I wasn't blowing him off, but that I really did need to leave...he responded with "You aren't blowing me off, but you are blowing me away!"

Pure Romance!

Crush

Maybe crush isn't the right word...I don't want to date her as much as I wish I were her...maybe I don't want to be her as much as I wish I had her talent and style...whatever the right word is for this level of adoration, I really dig my voice teacher. She so great that I almost think I might have a little bit of vocal talent. If I spend enough time with her I might find myself with enough confidence to lay down a karaoke tune someday!

Deep Breaths!

3-2-1

The countdown begins...only 3 more days...I have no idea what comes next...I should be in a dead panic...and some moments, I am...but mostly I'm relieved. And I'm curious to see the reactions of my co-workers and see if there's any fall out...that part is just narcissistic, but honest.

b-o-r-i-n-g-

How do you make a blog post from a day like today:

-it took me 90 minutes to talk myself out of bed and headed to the office
-i spent the entire day in meetings (2 of which were employees venting about how unhappy they are with the company...neither are aware of my upcoming change)
-did a quick, uneventful temple stop where i offered the same prayer i've been offering for a year and a half
-ate scrambled eggs for dinner

Theater Folk

Sari invited me to come see her High School's production of Phantom...I was scared. A High School production?...of Phantom?...yikes! But the recent rebirth of my love for all things "stage" was more powerful than my fear of bad HS acting/singing/dancing.

I'm happy to report that it was the best HS show I've ever seen (at least from the audience :)!

And it was a great opportunity to evaluate how I've been approaching my roles. I'd notice something about the kids that seemed awkward (I know! I said it was the best HS show ever, but it was still a HS production) anyhow, I'd notice something awkward and then realize that I do something similar and then I'd think about how it should have been and take a mental director's note. I'm going to see as many performances as possible over the next few months!

Bravo!

The best boost to my self image these past weeks has been this morning's trip to the dentist. The praise given to my gums and lack of plaque and general dental care makes me feel like I still have some control over my life and I'm actually finding success there! It's currently the only thing in my life that I have any confidence in...

I can't decide if that observation is coming from a "glass-half-full" perspective ;), or from a sad, sad, sad place!

Exposed?!?!

It's not the first time and most likely won't be the last!

I carry a leather journal with me almost everywhere I go. There are no rules about what I can jot down...recipe, driving directions, notes from a meeting, ideas for the future, feelings I need to sort through. Much of it would be uninteresting to anyone who found it...but the thought of it being read! Oh man!

The only consolation is that I always know exactly where it was left and have been able to retrieve it without too much effort. Tonight's recovery mission only required a 90 minute commute through off and on white out conditions! Come on girl!, get it together!

Write It Down

I have heard that when you have something weighing heavy on your mind, a therapeutic exercise can be to write a letter letting it all out. I just learned that there are many benefits:

1.) You can get it off your chest
2.) You can see your off-chested thoughts staring back at you
3.) You can decide if the off-chested thoughts are mixed up and crazy
4.) You can evaluate what you wish your on-chested thoughts to be
5.) You can re-write that letter to reflect how you want to feel
6.) You can adopt that re-write and make it your sincerest on-chested thoughts

So the exercise was a huge personal success! I now battle the decision to mail the letter or let it die off having served it's personal purpose.

Oh! The Drama!

I got all of my parts today!!!!

For the acting class, I'm playing the part of Holly from "Anna and August". I had never heard of the play before today. But I'm pretty excited about the roll of a self-absorbed 9 year old girl who is very concerned with all things superficial. While I don't think that exactly describes my niece Kyle, I feel fortunate to be able to channel her occasional sassy attitude. I think I can get a nice eyeroll and "whatever" look from her! It's a very fun and funny part! However, I am feeling a little sensitive about art imitating life when it comes to my final line.

For my voice class, I have a solo that is much, MUCH bigger than my current confidence. "This Is One Of Those Moments" is fast and long and high! I am a very comfortable alto. I get anxious around an A and tend to drop out at a C so I have no idea what the extraordinary Bonnie Wilson Whitlock was thinking when she assigned me a song with multiple visits to an F! But try as I might, I couldn't convince her to change her mind. I have six weeks to grow the size of my confidence big enough to not completely fall apart during our showcase performance. I am certain that as a teacher, she's good enough...but as a student, well, we shall see.

Oh Babs!

I've been obsessed with the soundtrack from Yentl. It's not entirely random, my musical theater class will be doing a medley from Yentl for our showcase performance. So I've been listening every spare (and not so spare) moment. I hope I get assigned one of my favorite....who am I kidding? i love them all! Can't wait to get my assignment tomorrow!!

HOPE

I always spend my birthday evaluating where I am in comparison to where I want to be. It seems that with each year I find myself further and further from my target. So at my last "evaluation", I made the conscious decision to give up hope for my target.

See, when you have hope, the disappointments of life are painful. Sometimes they're so painful that it's enough to distract you from all of the good things that are happening simultaneously. Theoretically, giving up hope removes the pain of disappointment and allows me to shift focus to the good happening that can sometimes be forgotten...A few weeks later, my bishop had a short chat with me and said he felt impressed to encourage me to continue having hope...timely, eh?

So, in response, I recommitted to hope...I even bought the Hope Bracelet as a reminder. I set goals and got all "Rose Colored Glasses" on my life! And I had beginners luck! And I thought the world was my oyster! And I was such a fool, because those tiny wins weren't sustainable. And here I am a few weeks later and I feel like I have nothing sure...only uncertainty.

So I ran to my sanctuary. And I had a bit of a cry. And I grasped on to the hope again...

Hope - that being a good girl has benefits.
Hope - that God doesn't forget his obedient daughters.
Hope - that all of my poor decisions pale next to the good decisions I've made.
Hope - that there is a purpose to my life.
Hope - that I'll be shown the next steps.
Hope - that I'll be given the courage to take the next steps.
Hope - that there is love in my future.
Hope - that when I sit down in 11 months to evaluate, I'll actually be closer to my target.

The White Stripes

One of my all time favorite memories is watching a short movie shot on my brother John's cell phone. My little nephew Austin (age 9 mos, maybe?) was sitting at the computer and rocking out to The White Stripes' Seven Nation Army. Every time I hear the song I smile big.

So today, in honor of the retirement of The White Stripes, enjoy! (I just wish I had the original cell phone movie to share as well!)

Pump Me Up!

I haven't done a hard core workout in a very long time. HA! I didn't do a hard core workout tonight either!! But I made a great effort and at least showed up. My body is sore, but I'm glad to have made a good step in the right direction.
These beginning strides are always difficult. There is nothing to show for it, but it's the hope of what's to come that is motivational...hm...

Stiff-Arm

In football, ball-carriers run towards defenders who are attempting to tackle them. By positioning the ball securely in one arm, the ball-carrier can fully extend his other arm, locking his elbow, and outstretching his palm. Then, the ball-carrier pushes directly outwards with the palm of his hand onto the chest or shoulder of the would-be tackler. The fend is a pushing action, rather than a striking action.

A stiff-arm fend may cause the tackler to fall to the ground, taking him out of the play. Even if the tackler keeps his feet, it becomes impossible for him to complete a tackle, as he cannot come close enough to wrap his arms around the ball-carrier.

A well-executed stiff-arm fend can be a very powerful offensive weapon. It can often completely chane the direction of play.

The term don't argue was coined in Australia to describe the stiff-arm fend. The term describes what a commentator imagined the ball-carrier might be saying as he shoved his opponent in the face or chest, and is used as a noun.

Quiet Please!

I'm taking a 7 day oath of silence...sort of. I am not talking about dating or marriage or relationships for the next 7 days. I'm all talked out. This last month has been exhausting and I've allowed myself to become consumed with the theory and strategy and details of it all. I need a break. I meant to begin today, but I'm so addicted, that I'm starting again tomorrow. It shouldn't be so hard...there are LOTS of other things in my life to talk about!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAL!

I spent some of the game last night putting the flirt on this guy! he was super hot with the helmet and face mask on!

Homeless?

My VP wants me gone. It's painfully obvious. Made more painful by the patronizing approach he has begun to approach me with. I don't want to be where I am not wanted...I never have. But where am I going to go?! What am I going to do?!

Cheer up Goofball!

I'm in a funk...obviously...and I'm not feeling much better today...but I thought I'd reminisce about happier times!

Remember that time in December when I got to record in a professional recording studio? Remember how perfect that moment was? Remember how life felt just right for that small little window? Well, if I ever forget, I can go to Track 7 here to be reminded! It's far from perfect, but not too shabby for only 1 take per part and no remastering!

Tears for Two...

I got choked up tonight...twice! Watching American Idol of all the stupid things. This has been a really tough week for me, and I'm much more vulnerable than usual...OBVIOUSLY!

The first time I felt them welling up was during a montage of Idol contestants celebrating the news that they were moving on.
I envied them. I want to live out a dream, tap into a passion, lose control in a wave of happiness! And so, my heart cheered with them, and apparently my eyes wanted to participate as well.

The second time, I fell for the heart warming story at the end of the episode. A man was living as a caretaker to his fiance who had been in a terrible accident months before their wedding. She appeared to have severe physical, and possibly mental, handicaps...yet he was just as devoted to her in sickness and in health.
I've mentioned before that the most difficult thing about being single, for me, is not having someone to love. Now, I don't know that I'm enough of a woman to take on the level of challenges that this man had accepted, but I do crave the opportunity to love, support, partner with a man who will let me love him. I think having someone to love provides me more benefit than being loved (although, these are statements from a prude who, if we're being honest...and "we" usually are, has never been properly loved).

So, it's clear to me...a good night's sleep is in order. Because crying over Idol?! well that's unacceptable!

Hello? Anyone?!

Where am I? What am I doing? How did I get here? I am so buried and so lost in my professional life! This time it took 2 1/2 years for me to reach the breaking point, so maybe my endurance is getting better?

I listed "Find a career counselor" as a 2011 goal...but I don't know how to accomplish even that.

Perhaps I'm finally ready to act on the results from last year's Aptitude Test? Maybe I'm finally brave and/or desperate enough to take on the risk and make a serious change? Maybe I'm terminally unhappy and there's no right answer? Maybe my "talents" are imagined or good for nothing? I've looked at receptionist and cashier jobs today...not a good sign for a Director level individual.

This morning Amazon confirmed the shipment of the book I recently ordered. Heaven give me patience to dig my hands into that thing!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad

I was awful today. Really, really awful. Some of my ugliest faces were on full display. And I didn't use my best vocabulary (although I did have a shining grammatical moment). Anyhow, a nap is definitely in order. A long, long 8 hour kind of nap.

Good Thing

A good friend recently found herself in a confirmed committed relationship. She shared the news with another friend and was received with the response, "Nothing good ever happens to me!"

My first thought was, "Ew!"
What an awful response, what kind of girlfriend responds to your good news by turning it into a conversation about her own misfortune. However, as lame as her comment was, it got me thinking about the concept of waiting for something good to happen. Although the comment was poorly timed and crazy selfish, the truth is that all single girls are hopeful that a good man will happen to her!
He'll be funny and smart and interesting and will rescue us from our problems!

But what are the chances that these good men are also waiting for a good woman will happen to him?
She'll be funny and smart and interesting and give him reason to be a hero!

The thought has staying power and pops up often as I evaluate what I have to offer to a relationship. I've been making personal strides emotionally, spiritually, and socially.

The ironic thing is that the last two months the improvements have been happening at a much quicker pace. Wanna know why? Because of men who have expressed directly, and indirectly, that the think that I'm funny and smart and interesting...even (god forbid!), beautiful. So I feel funny and smart and interesting and (god forbid!) beautiful.

I've never recognized how dependent I am on others for self evaluation. And it makes me wonder why I've spent any time at all with those who make me feel lame and dumb and boring and ugly.

AND it makes me more aware of how I may, or may not, make others feel.

I want to be the good thing that happens to someone. I want to be the catalyst for changing a life for the better. I want to offer all of the things necessary to make a man feel like a hero!

Home At Last

(oh shoot! Ms. Silverstone, you feel the same way, don't you?)

I've mentioned before that my life feels like an ill-fitted shirt.

Have you ever finished dressing and felt like your shirt just didn't fit right? Sure, it might have done the job! Provided protection, warmth, and modesty. Maybe even a sense of style! But it just felt wrong? Maybe it was the length of the sleeve, or the breadth of the shoulders, or the cut of the collar? Of course, it is possible that no observer would see anything of concern. Some might even think the shirt looks sharp and offer compliments or a remark or two of envy. But you spend the day tugging and stretching at it. However, no adjustment brings long-term comfort and all that you can think about all day is when you can get home and CHANGE IT!

I feel that way about my life. It's a good life for sure. I've had opportunity and privilege. I'm luckier than most people when it comes to family and friends. Although I have had patches of struggle when I didn't know how I'd make it through, I have always come out the other side better than I started. I've had education and employment and shelter and food and safety. I know that there are observers who envy my life and think that it must be ideal! And it probably is!...for someone else.

I've been tugging and stretching for years now but no adjustment has brought long-term comfort and all I can think about is when I might get to CHANGE IT!

I surely do not feel like a victim. I am clearly aware that it's been the sum of my own choices that has brought me to this place. But I'm just now beginning to understand the power of the choices I will make moving forward.

My aunt recently sent me a card that began: "Each year we grow closer to who we really are and all we are meant to be". I feel ready to be proactive in that change. I am ready for a tailored fit life. Something that feels like a second skin. Something that breeds confidence and comfort.

When I think back on the moments of my life that I crave, the memories are often on a stage or in a theater. And so, at the tender of age of far-too-old, I have signed up for an acting class and a vocal class at the Hale Center in SLC.

Today was our first day of class. I had a few nerves but no expectations. I'm happy to report that it was a lot of fun and I'm very optimistic about the next 7 weeks!

A few thoughts:

* Theater attracts all types. It was fascinating to look around the circle and wonder at the different personalities that came together in this setting.

* I really like the two instructors. Like, "we should do lunch!" like them.

* I am grateful to have been blessed with loads of confidence (although still lacking the self-esteem to back it, I am getting closer every day).

* I am grateful to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations...I expect that will be coming in handy many times for many different reasons.

* I am grateful that my friend R.A. signed up too! We are going to have a riot!

MJ Wii

I must have this!!!!!!!

Little "O"

I'm so lucky to get to love great little people! I got to hang with this one tonight...squeeze!

Seattle - Day 2

• Client meeting went better than expected
• Went to the space needle and took in the view - my 2 trips to Seattle have been on very clear days!
• My brother John was selected for the 2011 Pro Bowl and the news broke while I was at the airport!
• I met a cool dude on the plane, Phil Logsden, I love new friends!

Purple Cafe and Wine Bar

Super swanky dinner locale tonight...almost bearable!

Seattle

A quick work trip to Seattle tonight. I hope I can stop procrastinating and get this client presentation done before I get there!!!

Bad News!

Self-portrait above. With every good intention in my mind as I drove home this evening, I'm afraid that most of the night resembled the photo above. I've run out of steam. In fact, I've been running on fumes for so long that I can't believe I've actually made it this far.

When asked last year about my professional life, I described a "daily battle" to get things done. I never won that battle, and I don't think that I've necessarily lost it...I think I'm exhausted. My personal desire to do good work in my responsibilities, regardless of how much passion I do or do not have for the task, is making it impossible to give up completely, but I haven't figured out how to fan this burned out fire back to life.

Mormon Mommy Blogs

This article fascinated me. See, my sisters-in-law all qualify...with two blogs each. It's an interesting phenomena for sure. I confess that I'm addicted so that I can peek into the lives of family too far away or too busy to visit, but maybe I'm window shopping for a variation of the life I long to have?

Anticipation

I waited all day for a call, a text, an email...knowing full well it wasn't coming. And yet...everytime my phone delivered a notification, I'd hold my breath to check and see.

Nothing...but that's normal...that's what everyone says. Be patient, let him pursue. He's worth it for sure, but I may not have it in me!

Hope

My mom once said that endurance is easiest when you know how long you'll have to endure. So, if a trialing time in life has no known end date, it can feel like an impossible eternity...even if it only lasts a week. And the reverse is true. If you know that a challenge will only require 6 months of endurance, it feels manageable. The light at the end of the tunnel is a curious thing. I would like to understand the phenomenon better so that I can always have the hope for relief even when the end is unclear.

Perma Grin

I can't get this smile off of my face. Honestly, every time I catch it showing up and I make an effort to tone it down, it just grows...my dimple is working overtime tonight.

The battle to fall asleep with such a big grin is totally worth the fight!

Why the Wait?

Today I did something that I've been dying to do for more than 2 years. I don't know why I waited so long. I feel like a 100 lb weight was just lifted from my shoulders! I feel like a brand new person!
I know that part of my hesitation was caused by not knowing what would come next. I still don't have that answer, but I feel so amazing that I don't really care what the answer is!
Awesome!!