Saturday, January 22, 2011

Home At Last

(oh shoot! Ms. Silverstone, you feel the same way, don't you?)

I've mentioned before that my life feels like an ill-fitted shirt.

Have you ever finished dressing and felt like your shirt just didn't fit right? Sure, it might have done the job! Provided protection, warmth, and modesty. Maybe even a sense of style! But it just felt wrong? Maybe it was the length of the sleeve, or the breadth of the shoulders, or the cut of the collar? Of course, it is possible that no observer would see anything of concern. Some might even think the shirt looks sharp and offer compliments or a remark or two of envy. But you spend the day tugging and stretching at it. However, no adjustment brings long-term comfort and all that you can think about all day is when you can get home and CHANGE IT!

I feel that way about my life. It's a good life for sure. I've had opportunity and privilege. I'm luckier than most people when it comes to family and friends. Although I have had patches of struggle when I didn't know how I'd make it through, I have always come out the other side better than I started. I've had education and employment and shelter and food and safety. I know that there are observers who envy my life and think that it must be ideal! And it probably is!...for someone else.

I've been tugging and stretching for years now but no adjustment has brought long-term comfort and all I can think about is when I might get to CHANGE IT!

I surely do not feel like a victim. I am clearly aware that it's been the sum of my own choices that has brought me to this place. But I'm just now beginning to understand the power of the choices I will make moving forward.

My aunt recently sent me a card that began: "Each year we grow closer to who we really are and all we are meant to be". I feel ready to be proactive in that change. I am ready for a tailored fit life. Something that feels like a second skin. Something that breeds confidence and comfort.

When I think back on the moments of my life that I crave, the memories are often on a stage or in a theater. And so, at the tender of age of far-too-old, I have signed up for an acting class and a vocal class at the Hale Center in SLC.

Today was our first day of class. I had a few nerves but no expectations. I'm happy to report that it was a lot of fun and I'm very optimistic about the next 7 weeks!

A few thoughts:

* Theater attracts all types. It was fascinating to look around the circle and wonder at the different personalities that came together in this setting.

* I really like the two instructors. Like, "we should do lunch!" like them.

* I am grateful to have been blessed with loads of confidence (although still lacking the self-esteem to back it, I am getting closer every day).

* I am grateful to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations...I expect that will be coming in handy many times for many different reasons.

* I am grateful that my friend R.A. signed up too! We are going to have a riot!

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