Heaven

I'm pretty sure that heaven smells like a newborn baby fresh from a bath. In fact, I'm positive!

Colorado Blvd is my Memory Lane

Colorado Blvd is the main vein to my childhood. I pretty much operated within a mile east and west between 120th and 144th for 18 years (then another year in 94/95) (then another year 2005/06). So many of my memories really just sit here in this small little square. As I drove the distance this afternoon, I thought of my job at McDonalds for 2 weeks, the dairy cows on the corner of 128th, my job at Yogurt Delite for 2 years, filling up my car for $10 at Bradley's station, ditching school to go to Taco Bell, dragging the Blvd with friends on the weekends, friends who lived up and down that stretch of road, driving with my learner's permit, driving by myself for the first time, farm land that is now packed with homes and retail...and on...and on...and on.

My world was so big back then...those 20 square blocks were all I ever thought I'd need. I cherish the memories and I adore the friends and family who still live inside these boundaries...but I am so glad that I have been able to learn that the world is much bigger than the tiny stretch along Colorado Blvd that I know so well.

Rocky Mountain High

Growing up in Colorado I used to think it was so strange that people would come to visit and get so, so sick. I still think it's strange, but now I also feel it...and that's even stranger!


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Home Sweet Home

I have a couple of days to recover from the SLC to DEN drive before John's family arrives, and I'll need so that I can keep up with the niece and nephews!


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Guilty Pleasure

It's disgusting. I know it. I hate myself a little bit for it, but...I can't stop watching The Bachelor.

Sassy and I decided that our addiction is fueled by the self-esteem boost we get every time we watch! I mean, I'm lousy at relationships, but I've never been as hot a mess as the girls on that show. Seriously, I feel better about myself after every episode.

Dirty, filthy habit. Gross.

What I Learned in Church Today: I am Loved!

The congregations where I attended church as I was growing up, and the congregation where I attend church now, were all asked to fast and pray in my behalf today. Accepting the generosity of so many people has been more difficult than I had expected.

I have so much. I have been blessed with so many things. It seems almost greedy to ask family, friends, and even strangers to exercise their faith in my behalf for even more blessings and advantages.

I often have a difficult time accepting assistance to carry something from my car to my home, and that habit is hard to break...but I really need a miracle and I am so fortunate to have literally thousands of loved ones who are willing to do whatever they can to help me get that miracle.

In an email sent to many of my friends and family, my mom referenced scripture from the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24:12-14:

And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter and that ye may know of a surety that I the Lord God do visit my people in their afflictions.

I know that hearts were poured out in prayer. I know that I have felt a surge of comfort today. I know that my parents have also felt an increased peace (and that has been my greatest prayer). This burden has felt lighter than what makes sense. I don't have the understanding or faith of a perfect disciple, but I can stand as a witness that I do have a testimony. That I have not been left alone in my afflictions, and that I have been visited by my God in the form of earthly angels and increased peace.

In so many ways, I am loved.

Beat the Ambien????

I took an Ambien without thinking it through. The effects are coming on too quick for me to blog a complete thought. ah....sweet slumber....


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A Single Trial

I've never made a secret of wanting a husband and children. Aside from a few moments of doubt, mostly in myself, I've mostly always wanted them. I've wanted them so much that I've reserved love for them in my heart and my imagination. And this past year I have been so glad that they only ever existed in my imagination.

As I have watched how hard my trials have been on those who love me, particularly my parents, I have been relieved that I am not forcing that worry and fear onto a partner, or our children. And a great deal of that relief is selfish...I know I would feel terrible to be the source of any pain for them. I know that I would spend all of my energy and emotion trying to make things better or easier for them. And right now I really need to focus on making things better for me.

And although I have that longing for a family, I have a happy and exciting single life...so I guess that makes it even easier to be relieved that I'm not dragging a family through this dark patch. But it doesn't eliminate some really lonely moments.

Those lonely moments have seemed to pop up unexpectedly. And they're terrible because there's nothing to be done about them. I have dozens of friends who would be willing to hold my hand or rub my back so that I don't have to cry alone, but that isn't the kind of comfort I'm craving. In those very worst moments I need the companionship, of a companion. Someone who has shared my laughter, and my learning, and my conversations so that when they have to share my fear and my doubt they "get" where it's coming from. So that I feel that they're concern is sincere. And hopefully, so that my shame in needing them is minimized.

Fortunately I have been able to work through those moments by having a good cry in a hot shower. But dangit if I can't make them stop from coming at all.

Another Good Thing...

The days following "the news" from the doctors, my dad and I would continually think out loud as we thought of blessings surrounding this nightmare. Sometimes we'd be sitting in silence (because the shock from the news hung around for awhile and because sometimes there just wasn't anything to say) and then someone would say, "Another good thing...".

Well one of those good things is that circumstances like these can bring about reunions with great friends. Sure, the circumstances aren't the most fun, but knowing that their support trumps relationship neglect is pretty awesome.

I have spent the past two evenings visiting with friends that I haven't seen or spoken with in far too long and I feel lucky to have those friends. I always look forward to catching up with friends, even when circumstances could be better.

Jealous?!

I know I live a very envious life!

Truth is, I'm fighting this a little bit. I don't want the placards because, I don't want to be so sick that I need them. I had a few stops today and I refused to pull one of these babies out. But I know that come church on Sunday, or Temple during the week, I'm going to be very happy to have them.

He's Baaa-aaack!

Remember this guy from July 2011...?

Well, he's back. Except this time instead of 14 days, he's sticking around for 30. And instead of needing a battery change every 3-4 days, I get to use two rechargeable batteries and swap them out every 12ish hours....so we know that something similar to this is inevitable. Stay tuned!

SYTYCD Auditions

My friends are so good to constantly ask what they can do for me while I'm working through these crazy health issues and I often answer is that I need distractions. An invitation to go and see or listen to something unique is really perfect. So, I was thrilled to be invited to the So You Think You Can Dance audition taping in Salt Lake last Saturday.

Remember Brittany Starr and her dad "Ringo"? They were there!

And what about the lovely and talented Courtney Galiano? She was there!

And, be still my soul, what about Robert Roldan? He was soooooo there!

And Nigel Lithgow, and Mary Murphy, and Adam Shankman? Yep, they were all there!!!

If I am a really good girl in this life, I know that I'll get to back in my next life as a dancer...I just know it!

I'm very excited to see how the 5 hours we watched is edited down to a single episode. A boy named Dare is the only one who I think has a shot of making it past Vegas week...and I'm not sure if it was his talent or his abs that convinced me he'd go far. I don't think I was caught on camera, but if you want to play a fun game when the season airs this summer, look for me in the crowds!

What I Learned in Church Today: Support

I am learning so much everyday...about myself, about others, about my faith. Most of the time I lack the ability to turn those those thoughts into words...I hope I will be able to overcome that obstacle with time.

Wednesday night, at the temple, my mom shared a scripture with me that had been on her mind:

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

It's lovely to imagine myself surrounded by heavenly angels, but this last week I have felt support by many angels on earth. Those feelings were emphasized at church today. This afternoon my bishop asked our congregation to dedicate their fast this Sunday to me and my circumstances. It feels strange to be the subject of prayer and fasting for so many, but I feel so much encouragement from their enthusiasm to be part of it.

I am fiercely independent and like to think of myself as a fighter, but I'm learning a lot about not fighting alone. And I am incredibly blessed to have an army to fight with.

Change of Heart

(Posted to Facebook Notes 2.25.12)

As my parents drove me to the hospital Tuesday, February 21, my greatest fear was being told that I would need a heart transplant. After hours of testing and waiting, everything changed when I was told that I needed a new heart, but was too sick to receive one.

My mind is a great big fog. And that feels like a gift. I keep thinking that "when my head clears, I'll sit down and send an email or post a blog or make phone calls", but I'm not sure my head will clear anytime soon. Many of you have given me your love and support and although somewhat impersonal, this seems the best way to update.

I had been told last Thursday that my tests indicated that I might need a heart transplant. Although I have seen a cardiologist since my early teens, I never thought that a transplant would be in my future. I was shocked and afraid, but suspected that this could be a false diagnosis like so many I have received over the past year. A Right Heart Cath was scheduled for this past Tuesday to confirm the situation, and I began praying that they would find a functional heart.

I received great counsel Sunday afternoon and although the words spoken were not what I had hoped to hear, I left the meeting with a sense of peace. While speaking with my parents late Sunday night, they decided to drive from Denver on Monday to be with me on Tuesday. I am grateful for many reasons that they were with me that day.

I was conscious for the procedure, and could sense that there was some uncertainty regarding the results they were seeing. I kept reflecting back on the words from Sunday's counsel, suggesting that no mysteries would be left undiscovered, and I offered up a prayer that the technicians would have sufficient discernment to move through the procedure. Although a bit chaotic, we were able to complete a thorough test. The technicians and nurses were all very vague regarding the results, so my parents and I used it as an opportunity to stay optimistic and hope for good news. Consequently, we were floored when they informed me that I did need a heart transplant, but that I was currently too sick to receive one. In just a few hours, our prayers had changed from wanting to avoid a transplant to now hoping that I would soon be well enough to qualify for one.

I was born with a birth defect only recently understood as Non-Compaction of the left and right ventricles. Over the course of my life, my heart has become so diseased that it has caused high pressures in my lungs (Secondary Pulmonary Hypertension). If I were to receive a new heart in my current condition, my lungs would quickly blow out the new organ, so I cannot be listed until those pressures are controlled. I am receiving pulmonary drug therapy at home for the next month, and the doctors seem hopeful that if it can be reversed, we will know soon.

As I first mentioned, I am definitely in shock, but feel that the shock is a blessing in itself. I also feel a great deal of peace as I reflect on words spoken to me, and impressions I have felt, these past few days. There is little to be done now beyond waiting and praying, and I feel blessed to have the support of so many friends, family, and even strangers. I will do my best to maintain updates and welcome calls and emails from all of you.

Online Gem

If you haven't been entertained by Kid History yet, check it out here:

Kid History, BoredShortsTV

Mr. Clooney

I haven't been getting enough attention from my real life crushes lately...consequently I've found myself going through a George Clooney phase.

Isn't he lovely?

So...About That "Joy" Stuff...

Remember just 24 hours ago when I was all full of hope and optimism? Turns out that's harder to maintain than I had anticipated. Those really joyful people must put in a lot of hours of practice. Looks like it's going to be more difficult than I'd wanted.

I guess I'll start again tomorrow.

What I Learned in Church Today: The Pursuit of Joy

In the past few months I have been compelled to seriously consider my mortality. I have spent many days searching for the right understanding or motivation to want to fight a difficult battle. I read the stories of so many survivors who faced unimaginable challenges and found a way to do the impossible. In each situation the hero would confess that thoughts and desires of being with their spouse and/or children was the ONLY thing that got them through.

As an eternal bachelorette, and a non-breeder, those stories weren't entirely helpful. In fact, I might have even found them discouraging at times. I really wanted someone with my social circumstances to have fought the fight and be able to share something that would motivate me.

Today I listened to a speaker whose words have helped me to begin looking at my situation differently. The speaker started by sharing 2 Nephi 2:25,

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

And then the speaker put emphasis on a word in that verse that I have always skimmed over..."might". I am here, and sacrifices have been made, so that I "might" feel joy. It is the freedom to pursue happiness that is a basic human right, but having joy isn't a guarantee...I am only promised that it "might" happen. I don't think this means that it is a crapshoot, who does or does not get to have joy, I think it implies that there is work to be done if I want to experience the joy. And I'm beginning to understand that the joy might be delayed if it's in my best interest.

And that is the place where I have found myself paralyzed. I've wanted to be happy. I've recognized my responsibility to make that happen, but I was still disappointed that joy wasn't just happening to me. I had felt that I should have qualified for immediate and immeasurable piles of joy. I had lost focus and understanding.

The speaker then went on to share some of the things he had learned from a co-worker who had become a quadraplegic, but still managed to live his life with an abundance of joy:

- Focus on what I can do and minimize what I cannot do

- Focus on what the Lord has blessed me with, and not what He has not given me or on what has been taken away

- Focus on what the future has in store for me, not on what it does not

- Don't waste time or effort worrying about things I cannot control

- Live up to the fullest extent of my gifts and talents. Improve upon and add to those talents

- Don't look back

The reality is that I've been so devastated about the loss of my imaginary future that I have failed to see the hope and goodness that still remained in my life. I get it tonight in the quiet of my room, but I will forget, and this will remain a process for me. Especially since I know that I will continue to be influenced by what the doctors have to say about my prognosis. But at least for now, I have some guidance for identifying my purpose and my reason to fight...regardless of the specifics of my challenges.

Sheremy

Sherrie Burt + Jeremy Willey

January 28, 2012

CONGRATS!!!!

A Favorite Thing

If I were Oprah, and you were all sitting in my studio right now, you would all be going home with a bottle of OPI's "Leotard Optional" nail polish! You get a bottle! You get a bottle!! You get a bottle!!!

I know bright flashy colors are all the rage these days, but after decades of sporting the discreet fingernails of a violinist, I just can't get myself to go anything but subtle.

The Price IS Right

I am 100% influenced by the price tag on an item. 100%.

When shopping, it is not unusual that I will find the most perfect item and then be immediately deterred by the cost of said item. The impact is so great that I will instantly begin to find actual, or imagined, flaws. I can walk away from anything if the price is not right.

However, there are few things I find more satisfying than stumbling into an amazing bargain. Occasionally I find something I really like and then I will check the price to find that it started off economically priced or, even better, marked down. In those moments, true love is found. It doesn't really matter what type of item or how badly I do, or do not, need it.

Today I found love on the $2 table at Barnes & Noble. 2$!

Extermination

I've heard that for every mouse you see in a house, there are 10 you don't see. I've heard something similar about cockroaches. And tonight I'm wondering...do they have a saying like that for gray hair?

I know! I know! It's unbelievable that at age 37 I am still (relatively) gray hair free...but the anticipation of it coming to an end is really freaking me out. A couple of things have me on the edge.

1.) Most of my friends my age (men and women) are gray or graying.

2.) Every trip to the hospital has gifted me 2 gray hairs, in the same 2 spots, a few weeks later.

3.) Tonight I found a third gray hair in a brand new spot!

I dug around for awhile looking to see if I'm missing any, but so much of my hair is un-see-able by me and I'm really stressing out over it!

Uh-oh ... 4.) Doesn't stressing out cause gray hair?!?

NIGHTMARE!

Last night I dreamt that I was being forced to go back to High School...it was awful!

- I was late

- I struggled to find the main office

- My first class was P.E.

- I didn't have a locker and had to carry my violin with me everywhere

- I was still driving the Buick Riviera, complete with all of the family "upgrades"

- I was having bad hair

- I hated what I was wearing

- There were "mean girls" in the halls

- Mr. Snell still wouldn't audition me for the show choir

- The cafeteria smelled like...well, it smelled like the cafeteria

But the worst part was being 37 through it all. I felt like such a loser. And that loser feeling has stayed with me all day. So I'm hoping for a great replacement dream tonight. Something that makes me feel like a winner...and stays with me all day!

Happy Chinese New Year

Wikipedia says that the year of the dragon is considered the luckiest year in the Chinese zodiac. I'm all for it! I'm open to all of the luck the universe sends my way and I'm going to use my imagination to create a little luck of my own this year!

What I Learned in Church Today: ... uh ...

I failed at church today. My mind thinks I feel better, but my body does not agree. I think I did too much this weekend. So, when it came to church, I slept through most of it. I'll be better next week.

A True Friend

A true friend will compliment you by accident. It won't be intentional, but the sincerity of it's matter-of-fact delivery will be overwhelming. And then, when you mention that it's the nicest thing she could say, she'll seem surprised at your reaction.

Yes, a true friend gives the very best compliments!

Emotion

I have always thought of myself as living without passion. Just staying somewhere in the middle ground between the highs and lows of emotion. Sure, I'm theatrical. I tend to "perform" my stories a bit. I wouldn't be surprised if others thought of me as operating with a wider range of feelings. But in those quiet moments when I am all alone, I've always done what I could to reign myself into the center of things.

In the search for an explanation for the roller coaster of this week, I can only come up with two explanations:

1.) I have had a really warped opinion of myself and I have always been dripping with passion. Perhaps my melodramatics are more than just evidence of a talented actress.?

Or...

2.) Age and experience is breaking me down. I have either lost control, or lost the desire to control, my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

One might suggest that my grandmother's DNA has surfaced and I'm chemically imbalanced...but I'm certain that the evidence from this week's events earn me some justification.

Do You Think I'm Pretty?

One of the funniest things I have picked up from my friend Sherrie is a good-natured complisult (an insult hidden in a compliment). When a girlfriend says something really, really stupid, she often replies with a sugary sweet "You're so pretty!!!", Obviously highlighting that the friend isn't showcasing her brilliance and brains.

And that sums up the entirety of what I think about pretty. I think it's a really funny jab to direct on someone I love dearly.

Earlier this week I came across a month-ish old article that has made me think about pretty:

The Death Of Pretty

I think I'm guilty. I don't think that when I am in the process of a Personal Flaw Inventory, I'm measuring myself against the pretty checklist...I'm pretty sure I'm measuring myself against the hot checklist...and I lose every time!

When did that happen to me? When did I decide that was the measurement I should be using? More importantly, WHY did I decide that was the measurement I should be using? With all of this second chance and new life perspective happening for me, I see this as a great opportunity to correct my expectations. Especially since I clean up fairly well and have a great shot at getting to pretty!

Tears of Joy...Again!

As a continuation of the "Overwhelming Happiness" theme that I have going on, I attended the Brian Regan show tonight at Abravanel Hall (thanks to The Husband). I laughed to tears more than a few times and I expect to suffer from sore cheeks all day tomorrow.

I love my new life!

Tears of Joy

I got the best news this morning. Turns out, things are not at all what I had been told and my future is chock full of hope and optimism!

I haven't been shared many details here, but in November 2011, I was diagnosed with a chronic, terminal condition. Preliminary prognosis was bad, bad, bad. I had seen a specialist who determined my case to be too complicated and last week saw a second specialist who ran me through some additional testing. This morning I was scheduled to discuss the results of the tests and identify treatments and life expectancy. I was shocked to learn that the testing and research uncovered information that completely pulls me out of the chronic and terminal categories. My condition is treatable! I can feel better again!

My brother offered congratulations on a second life and I really do feel like I've been given a fresh start. I've been crying on and off all day with the good news. My eyes are burning and heavy. I am exhausted. My thoughts and feelings are scrambled eggs. But I'll sleep well tonight with a smile on my face that I thought I had lost forever!

L.A.

Shout out to my L.A. friends for good times and many laughs this weekend. You make my life even cooler than it was before.

What I Learned in Church Today: The Love of God

The Sunday School lesson was about "Lehi's Dream" found in 1 Nephi chapters 8, 9, 10, 11, 15. In chapter 11, the 'love of God' is referenced 4 times. As I read, I asked myself if I understood what the love of God is? How is it manifest? Can I identify evidence of it in my life? With some thought, I was confident, that I don't have any good answers to those questions and that I have a lot of studying to do.

So I guess I didn't really learn enough about the love of God to share my thoughts...I just identified a topic that I would like to study further. There seems to be a lot of literature available for the study, but I'd love for you to share scripture or links to literature on the topic in the comments section!

Dear Miss Manners,

...

...

...

1/15/2012, 9:15 a.m.

oh dear!

This post is being heavily edited. In the light of morning I found myself embarrassed with the content. I thought I would call out some friends in a "clever" way, for displaying behavior I found to be rude, but it turns out I was just jealous. And my jealousy meant that I was reacting to their immature and bizarre behavior with my own immature and bizarre behavior...so gross!

In general, I try to avoid vague accusations. I figure if I can't articulate my thought, or find that circumstances prevent specifics, it's best just to keep my mouth shut. My apology.

With a little more thought, a good nights sleep, and a hot shower, this is what I wish I had posted:

It's interesting growing up. When I was young, I was certain that there was an adult logic, and set of behaviors that were automatic by virtue of age. I anticipated that with each passing year, my friends and myself would act with more refinement and decorum. Ha! Although I strive to behave appropriately for my circumstances, it isn't always the case...so I have no reason to expect it at all time from my friends.

And more interesting than the lack of progress in general behavior and manners is the lack of progress in my reaction. Envy and malice show up in the strangest places. I am perfectly capable of recognizing that everything isn't about me. And if something really great happens to a friend or family member, I can sincerely celebrate with that friend or family member. I don't need to spoil it by expressing regret that the really great thing didn't happen to me...I don't even have to feel regret! But still, 17 years later, I find myself jealous of the oddest things!

Wait Wait...WHAT?!

Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! is a weekly NPR radio show and one of my favorite hours of the week. So dang funny! It's an interest I share with my baby brother so when I heard they'd be taping an episode in SLC, I knew it would be an awesome event to go to with my bro. I guess free radio has to get it's funds from somewhere but $100-$200+ tickets, I'll just appreciate it over the airwaves!

Thoughts About Jefferson's Bible...

I'm not a great mind like Jefferson, and I certainly haven't put the same level of effort into the project, but I definitely have more versions of a similar attempt of my own. I edit my scriptures every time I read them. I highlight verses that catch my attention. I draw lines through verses I find to be distracting. I jot down questions. I scribble out incomplete thoughts. I've even drawn illustrations.

After a few readings, I shelf the copy and start from scratch. I have several marking pencils within reach of my bed and one favorite pen perfect for the task. I have no rules for how I approach, what I underline, how I mark (although I've tried and failed at a few methods). And I can't imagine studying the text any other way. It would feel so impersonal. I don't think what they found from Jefferson is odd or unique. My notations are also private reflections and not public statements. I have no expectation that any of my notes could potential influence the masses...but I do have grand expectations that they will continually guide my future.

Interesting Article

I came across an interesting article on CNN.com today:

My Take: How Thomas Jefferson's secret Bible might have changed history

I have some thoughts...but I'll need to wait to articulate them tomorrow. The sleep aid I took is kicking in and the thoughts in my head are a little hazy. In the meantime, read up!

LOL

Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

Dedicated to Salty

Tonight I mentioned two of my most favorite viral videos and Salty said she'd never seen them. So, as a little comic relief, here are two videos that I think are worth seeing again...and again...

Double Rainbow

3 Year Old Crying Over Justin Bieber

(I can't embed this video...you'll have to click to go to YouTube...but so worth it)

What I Learned in Church Today: Confidence in the Lord

1 Nephi 3:7 "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

In the Doctrinal Commentary on the Book of Mormon, Vol 1, we are taught:

One of the most cited and quoted verses in all of holy writ, sets forth clearly the attitude of those who trust implicitly in the purposes of God: though the means for accomplising specific objectives are not alwasy readily apparent, the obedient--acting upon the peaceful assurance born of the Spirit--move forward in quiet but deliberate ways, knowing full well that the further light and knowledge will be forthcoming. "And thus we see," Nephi later observed, "that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them." (1 Nephi 17:3)

Missed Opportunity

I just finished prepping to teach Sunday School tomorrow afternoon. What was I thinking?!?! Spending yesterday in the hospital is more than enough to justify calling in a last minute sub, right? What is wrong with me?!

Personal Best!

Last year I was sooooooo lazy! I didn't hit my max out of pocket medical expenses until the second week in July! It was like I wasn't even trying or something.

2012, I knocked it out by 3:15 p.m. on January 6. I'm a rockstar or something. Seriously!

Watch out 2o13!!

The Latest in Facebook Trends

I usually give my eyes a self righteous roll when I see new status trends on Facebook...I'm a snob like that. Or I'm just too old to really understand the comfort that so many find to post anything in a social media format.

Monday I noticed a trend with a small group of friends. They looked up the number one song from the day and year that they were born and then posted the YouTube video...I rolled my eyes and ignored it. But now it's caught on with my group from High School and every song has hit me with some associated childhood memory.

I humbled myself and finally gave in, and MAN was I glad I did. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the number one song from December 4, 1974:

Kung Fu Fighting - Carl Douglas

No wonder I'm such a cool chick!

I Am Loved

I was once told that I was lucky to live in a time and place to have bishops and advisors and others who love me and care about me. There are many things about my life that I would liked to have happened differently...but I can never say that I was short-changed when it comes to being loved.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with The Russian and we had some vulnerable conversation. He asked me tough questions and I choked through some of my responses. He wasn't easy on me, but he was kind and understanding and our discussion has stayed with me through today...I suspect there are some things about our chat that will stick with me forever. The details of the conversation pale in comparison to the way I felt after we parted. I felt loved.

This evening I met with my bishop. He asked me some tough questions (ha! that's subjective..."How are you feeling?" is a tough question for me these days). I asked him some tough questions. I'm not sure that either of us answered any questions with any real satisfaction, but the lack of definitive answers doesn't matter. What matters is that as I drove home, I felt loved.

My whole life I have had this assumption that I was to accomplish "something great" in my life. I have never understood what "something great" meant. I have always presumed that it would be monumental...like 'globally impact the world' kind of grand scale. I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve "something great"...but having experienced the enormous and lasting impact of feeling loved, even briefly, I'm starting to see that maybe my "something great" can happen by making sure that the people I love feel it from me? Maybe that is something I can learn to do with consistency no matter where my life's path takes me?

Some More Kindle Stuff

I've downloaded some free books from Amazon.com, and learned how to "check-out" eBooks using my local public library card ( http://www.slcolibrary.org/ ). Today I found a bunch of websites that offer free eBook downloads! I l-o-v-e it!

http://www.pixelofink.com/

http://www.ereaderiq.com/free/

http://bargainebookhunter.com/category/free/

http://www.new-daily-free-ebooks.com/

Becoming a Better Person Is Hard

As I juggled health concerns for most of 2011 I allowed myself to become less active in participating in my church community outside of Sunday worship. I have no regrets about giving myself a break, but I also am feeling a push to become more involved. I want to always be in the process of becoming a better person. I want to be more obedient. I want to be more social and learn to rely on others without a feeling of apology in doing so.

Tonight I reluctantly attended Family Home Evening. This is an organized event each Monday evening for the members of our congregation. It is designed to give us an opportunity to socialize in a more casual environment by disguising it with spiritual or educational or "fun" activities. I wanted to leave almost as soon as I arrived. And I didn't really participate in the organized activity...I spent most of it talking with a few friends in the hallway. I didn't make any effort to meet anyone new. I kind of failed my own rules for being social.

I guess you could say that being social is like a muscle...it strengthens with use, and atrophies with neglect, and there is a sense of pain when you try to retrain it after a period of inactivity. I think I want to be a better person. I say I want to be a better person. I want to be able to accomplish that with little effort and no discomfort on my part.

Sounds like I need an attitude adjustment, doesn't it?

What I Learned in Church Today: Happiness

Mosiah 2:41 "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

As usual I have identified some specific, quantifiable goals for 2012. The only guideline I gave myself is that each goal had to assist in my finding more of, and learning more about, happiness. For example, Sassy and I will be planning a fun and/or different social event for all of the odd months (finding more happiness), and I will make a point of reading each week's Sunday School assignment prior to class each week this year (learning more about happiness).

How appropriate then, that happiness was the topic for a speaker in church this afternoon. I have noticed that my notes from meetings come most often in the form of a question. Clearly I am longing to understand myself more and more. The following are questions I hope to answer as I pursue the goals for 2012:

~ What do I consciously feed my mind? What do I unconsciously feed my mind?

~ On a scale of optimistic to pessimistic, how would I rate my general attitude?

~ Do I take the time to view my life and its obstacles within the perspective of doctrine?

~ Do I strive to identify the Lord's hand in my life? Even in...especially in...my trials?

~ Luke 9:24...What am I saving my life for?

So Long SUCKER!!!!

2011...

- I enjoyed a much anticipated kiss

- I bravely (or stupidly) quit my job

- I moved

- I made some new friends

- I had a fantastic tan all summer

- I got one new nephew and one new niece

but...

I wasn't in my best form for most of it. I spent waaaaaaaaaay too much time in doctors offices and hospital rooms and on bed rest. I have never been so beat down by life before. Although I can think back to a few found memories in 2011, I am happy to say my goodbye and look forward to better times.

Happy 2012!

Kindle

I think today was a tough day for me. I think I didn't feel well. I think I felt bad enough to spend the entire day (except for a quick car ride to buy a sandwich) in bed...but I'm not entirely sure. See, I spent all that time in bed with my Kindle. I read a story about an interesting character in a fascinating land. I imagined myself as an integral part of the story. And when I read a story (especially a thriller), I believe it is my responsibility to read the characters through to safety.

I think I'm addicted to my Kindle. I think the gift certificates that I received for Christmas are feeding my addiction. I think that losing myself in another world might be the very best medicine to make me "forget" that I feel like garbage. I know that I am lucky to have the distraction!

Blind Dates

Blind Dates are one of my favorite fairy tales. They are as imaginary to me as castles and princesses and witches who cast spells...but they are just as intriguing as well. I love the idea of being fixed-up...in fact I am convinced that it's the most likely way to be introduced to a man with potential! If my memory serves me correctly:

I've had one perfect blind date,

I've had a handful of "meh" blind dates,

I've had one awful blind date, and

I've had DOZENS of failed attempts at a blind date.

Speaking of witches who cast spells, there is some kind of curse that falls over most attempts to set two people up. Most of my girlfriends will back me up when I tell you that a small percentage of intended blind dates ever actually happen. Sometimes the friend playing cupid fails to let the guy know that they ever mentioned him to you. Sometimes the guy gets your number and he doesn't call (because he's seeing someone else at the time, or he's too nervous, or your "friend" gave you a bum sales pitch, who knows?!). Sometime too much time passes and when he decides he does want to call he dismisses the opportunity because too much time has passed. Sometimes he doesn't get what he wants when he does call (like your availability on short notice) and isn't open to an alternative.

My point...I'm not afraid of a blind date. In fact, I don't need a lot of information about the guy. If he's great enough for a friend to recommend him, he has to be worth meeting. I'm interested in most people and can fun-up for a few hours with just about anyone. I have no expectations for a Love Connection, but I'm open to the possibility. As long as he practices good general hygiene and is willing to provide a portion of the conversation, I can't think of a reason not to go...if he calls, of course.

Sister Friends

Tonight I got together with a group of girls who have been my friends for...geez!...at least 15 years. We all met in a Young Single Adult ward when we were in our early 20's, and although the reunions don't happen often enough, when they do happen it is always such a good time.

Our lives have changed significantly since the carefree days of what now seems like our youth, but there is still a sincerity and closeness with one another. Their kind words and tight hugs were exactly what I needed tonight.