Friday, March 30, 2012

Big Dollar Dreams

The Mega Millions Lottery has been the topic of a lot of conversation this week. Fortunately for me, Utah doesn't participate and I didn't have to battle my own logic to decide if I was going to buy tickets...but it doesn't mean that I didn't spend a little of my time imagining what I might do with $462M.
Truth is, I don't know if I'm capable of spending that much I'm sure that there would be a lot of things to consider regarding the bigger picture, but these are the things I would do immediately:
- I would pay off any debt that my parents or siblings might have (car or house payments, etc.)
- I would set up $1M trust funds for each niece and nephew
- I would plan an amazing series of deluxe family vacations (The World cruise, Disneyworld, Lake Powell with a houseboat for each family, an island or beach vacation, a ski week in Switzerland, a tour of Israel)
- I would indulge my vanity with hair extensions and spa treatments and beautiful clothes and fabulous shoes and every funky accessory I laid my eyes on
- I would attend culinary arts school
- I would buy a home perfect for entertaining and fill a room with musical instruments all for which I would immediately begin lessons
- I would buy my dad a golf course
- I would open a Nordstrom expense account for my mom
- I would do some things for some friends who never seem to catch the financial breaks they deserve
...and all of that might get me to $20M??? I guess I need to start dreaming a little bigger???

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I Got Shy

My childhood memories are all spotlight moments. And all of those spotlight moments are positive. I would perform, or speak, or storytell, or volunteer...anything to delight an audience. I loved me some attention...and as a grown-up, I continue to love me some attention. But I only like the positive kind of attention. The kind of attention that comes when I've delighted an audience. So, when this blog received unexpected attention because I am sick, and my daily visitors shot up from it's previous 15/day, I got shy.

I got shy because being sick doesn't feel like positive attention. Being sick isn't how I want to be known. Being sick is boring and depressing. Being sick is what I'm consumed with...and I didn't know how to blog something honest and still consider it, I just kind of shut-up.

But a stranger reached out today because she read something in one of my "being sick" posts that might be helpful to her family. It's motivated me to post again. Maybe I can still write useful things as I figure out who I am now? And maybe the sick me can still entertain? And maybe the pressure to find something blog-worthy in my day can help my days from bleeding into one another? And maybe I knew this all along, but have been avoiding it?

Friday, March 9, 2012


I'm pretty sure that heaven smells like a newborn baby fresh from a bath. In fact, I'm positive!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Colorado Blvd is my Memory Lane

Colorado Blvd is the main vein to my childhood. I pretty much operated within a mile east and west between 120th and 144th for 18 years (then another year in 94/95) (then another year 2005/06). So many of my memories really just sit here in this small little square. As I drove the distance this afternoon, I thought of my job at McDonalds for 2 weeks, the dairy cows on the corner of 128th, my job at Yogurt Delite for 2 years, filling up my car for $10 at Bradley's station, ditching school to go to Taco Bell, dragging the Blvd with friends on the weekends, friends who lived up and down that stretch of road, driving with my learner's permit, driving by myself for the first time, farm land that is now packed with homes and retail...and on...and on...and on.

My world was so big back then...those 20 square blocks were all I ever thought I'd need. I cherish the memories and I adore the friends and family who still live inside these boundaries...but I am so glad that I have been able to learn that the world is much bigger than the tiny stretch along Colorado Blvd that I know so well.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Rocky Mountain High

Growing up in Colorado I used to think it was so strange that people would come to visit and get so, so sick. I still think it's strange, but now I also feel it...and that's even stranger!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Home Sweet Home

I have a couple of days to recover from the SLC to DEN drive before John's family arrives, and I'll need so that I can keep up with the niece and nephews!

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Monday, March 5, 2012

Guilty Pleasure

It's disgusting. I know it. I hate myself a little bit for it, but...I can't stop watching The Bachelor.

Sassy and I decided that our addiction is fueled by the self-esteem boost we get every time we watch! I mean, I'm lousy at relationships, but I've never been as hot a mess as the girls on that show. Seriously, I feel better about myself after every episode.

Dirty, filthy habit. Gross.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

What I Learned in Church Today: I am Loved!

The congregations where I attended church as I was growing up, and the congregation where I attend church now, were all asked to fast and pray in my behalf today. Accepting the generosity of so many people has been more difficult than I had expected.

I have so much. I have been blessed with so many things. It seems almost greedy to ask family, friends, and even strangers to exercise their faith in my behalf for even more blessings and advantages.

I often have a difficult time accepting assistance to carry something from my car to my home, and that habit is hard to break...but I really need a miracle and I am so fortunate to have literally thousands of loved ones who are willing to do whatever they can to help me get that miracle.

In an email sent to many of my friends and family, my mom referenced scripture from the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24:12-14:
I know that hearts were poured out in prayer. I know that I have felt a surge of comfort today. I know that my parents have also felt an increased peace (and that has been my greatest prayer). This burden has felt lighter than what makes sense. I don't have the understanding or faith of a perfect disciple, but I can stand as a witness that I do have a testimony. That I have not been left alone in my afflictions, and that I have been visited by my God in the form of earthly angels and increased peace.

In so many ways, I am loved.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Beat the Ambien????

I took an Ambien without thinking it through. The effects are coming on too quick for me to blog a complete thought. ah....sweet slumber....

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Friday, March 2, 2012

A Single Trial

I've never made a secret of wanting a husband and children. Aside from a few moments of doubt, mostly in myself, I've mostly always wanted them. I've wanted them so much that I've reserved love for them in my heart and my imagination. And this past year I have been so glad that they only ever existed in my imagination.
As I have watched how hard my trials have been on those who love me, particularly my parents, I have been relieved that I am not forcing that worry and fear onto a partner, or our children. And a great deal of that relief is selfish...I know I would feel terrible to be the source of any pain for them. I know that I would spend all of my energy and emotion trying to make things better or easier for them. And right now I really need to focus on making things better for me.
And although I have that longing for a family, I have a happy and exciting single I guess that makes it even easier to be relieved that I'm not dragging a family through this dark patch. But it doesn't eliminate some really lonely moments.
Those lonely moments have seemed to pop up unexpectedly. And they're terrible because there's nothing to be done about them. I have dozens of friends who would be willing to hold my hand or rub my back so that I don't have to cry alone, but that isn't the kind of comfort I'm craving. In those very worst moments I need the companionship, of a companion. Someone who has shared my laughter, and my learning, and my conversations so that when they have to share my fear and my doubt they "get" where it's coming from. So that I feel that they're concern is sincere. And hopefully, so that my shame in needing them is minimized.
Fortunately I have been able to work through those moments by having a good cry in a hot shower. But dangit if I can't make them stop from coming at all.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Another Good Thing...

The days following "the news" from the doctors, my dad and I would continually think out loud as we thought of blessings surrounding this nightmare. Sometimes we'd be sitting in silence (because the shock from the news hung around for awhile and because sometimes there just wasn't anything to say) and then someone would say, "Another good thing...".
Well one of those good things is that circumstances like these can bring about reunions with great friends. Sure, the circumstances aren't the most fun, but knowing that their support trumps relationship neglect is pretty awesome.
I have spent the past two evenings visiting with friends that I haven't seen or spoken with in far too long and I feel lucky to have those friends. I always look forward to catching up with friends, even when circumstances could be better.