Sunday, July 15, 2012

Waiting: Day 39

I will come right out and admit it, I have been intentionally avoiding the blog. I felt crazy pressure to be accountable to the expectations of others (expectations both real, and imagined) and I wasn't feeling up to the task. The first 30 days were tough. I felt hopeless and helpless. Most of my thoughts and words were downers. I didn't know how I was feeling and the thought of answering that question for someone else seemed an impossible task. But time brings clarity, and for me it brought hope as well. So, with some gentle nudging (mom), I'm going to give this blogging thing another go. I have a lot to cover....some serious, some silly, some A-MA-ZING. But today I'll just toss out a brief update.

?How am I feeling physically?
Oddly, a tough question to answer. I guess I feel like someone who needs a new heart. I'm tired and nauseous and dizzy and can't breathe...and that's a good day. I am operating from that new normal and so when someone asks how I'm feeling, and I say "Good" or "Great" or "Fine", well, that is what I mean.
If I've gained 5+ lbs in 24 hours from water retention, if the pain in my chest is distracting or limiting, if my resting heart rate is 120+/bpm, well those are my bad days.

?How am I feeling emotionally?
Much better! Initially I was so overcome with fear that I had a hard time identifying the hope and blessing of my circumstances. Time and research and some key conversations have helped me carve out a much more hopeful perspective and I might almost be ready to do this thing.

?When can I expect a transplant?
My doctors are fantastic about providing me information and answering every question except this one. The shortest wait has been 8 days and the longest has been 5 years. There is some urgency in my case for things to happen in year one, so that is the timeline I am hoping for. (But if I'm being honest, I'd like to be transplanted, recovered, and back to work by the end of the year. Overachiever you know.)

?How do I pass my time?
I've learned that when you're really sick, time passes just fine without too much effort. I sleep a lot, maybe enough to rival my newest nephew. I read a lot. I have watched a lot of Netflix (recommendations welcome!). I completed a University Independent Study course, and got an A! I visit friends and family when I can. I have clinic appointments every 7-10 days. I drive to the pharmacy once a week. I have been down over a year now, and I honestly can not remember being bored for one moment. I guess I have been lucky.

I also want to mention that I feel loved and supported by so many. I appreciate the cards and notes and prayers in my behalf. Thank you to those who ask my family about me, it is appreciated by all of us.


Vehars said...

HEY!!! Your Mom told me you had updated your blog. Thanks!! So Netflix suggestions...I'm sure you've already watched it but you MUST MUST watch, Downton Abbey. Something I saw on Netflix the other day that I had seen awhile back was Sarah's Key. Get ready for a cry fest though, very good regardless. And something that I shouldn't suggest but is a guilty pleasure, Lipstick Jungle. There you go, not that you need more things to "keep you busy" sounds like you've got that well taken care of. Take care lady! :)

Wendy Brown said...

I am loving shows on the USA Network, Fairly Legal, Necessary Roughness, Royal Pains and you can usually get them on demand.

The Ravsten's said...

I'm glad your mom pressured you! And you are such an obedient daughter! The best kind!

Netflix, have you gotten into White Collar? Matt Bomer is hot and the show is fascinating. Hopefully you haven't already watched it and now you can enjoy a new show.

I'm impressed with your strength and your faith. Keep it up girl! You are a tower of strength.

Julianne Sanders said...

Hi kim! I check your blog every now and then and remember when you dont write it means you are having a hard time. I was all ready to write to you today regardless of this post to let you know i am.thinking of you! We continue to pray for your wellbeing. Hang in there! Love Julianne Sanders

KJP said...

I can't think of any movies....I just read this and wanted you to know that I love ya! I think you are AMAZING!!!!!!!! Truly! I pray for you and will continue to do so! YOU are such an incredible example! THANKS!!

MontanaEakles said...

I'm praying for you every day.