Friday, March 2, 2012

A Single Trial

I've never made a secret of wanting a husband and children. Aside from a few moments of doubt, mostly in myself, I've mostly always wanted them. I've wanted them so much that I've reserved love for them in my heart and my imagination. And this past year I have been so glad that they only ever existed in my imagination.
As I have watched how hard my trials have been on those who love me, particularly my parents, I have been relieved that I am not forcing that worry and fear onto a partner, or our children. And a great deal of that relief is selfish...I know I would feel terrible to be the source of any pain for them. I know that I would spend all of my energy and emotion trying to make things better or easier for them. And right now I really need to focus on making things better for me.
And although I have that longing for a family, I have a happy and exciting single I guess that makes it even easier to be relieved that I'm not dragging a family through this dark patch. But it doesn't eliminate some really lonely moments.
Those lonely moments have seemed to pop up unexpectedly. And they're terrible because there's nothing to be done about them. I have dozens of friends who would be willing to hold my hand or rub my back so that I don't have to cry alone, but that isn't the kind of comfort I'm craving. In those very worst moments I need the companionship, of a companion. Someone who has shared my laughter, and my learning, and my conversations so that when they have to share my fear and my doubt they "get" where it's coming from. So that I feel that they're concern is sincere. And hopefully, so that my shame in needing them is minimized.
Fortunately I have been able to work through those moments by having a good cry in a hot shower. But dangit if I can't make them stop from coming at all.


The Ravsten's said...

Hey Kim, it's Emily Ravsten from your parents ward. We've met a few times, but ya know! I just wanted to send a shout out to you and let you know that your our in our families thoughts and prayers.

I can relate to the entry you wrote about wanting to just cry to a companion. Although I have a wonderful companion, I just want you to know that this past month I have had moments where I have felt soooo alone and no one could fix that. So, I think it happens to people with out without a companion when they are going through a trial.

I'm thinking you don't know, so I'll tell you, but my mom, my only parent and I was her only child, passed away on Dec 31 from cancer. We had lots of drives back and forth to Utah and then spent the last three weeks of her life with her enjoying and sharing and loving one another. It was an amazing time. When I got back after a few weeks following her funeral, that is when I felt ALONE! Travis could do nothing for me. I just had to get through that time by myself with the help of my SAvior and the Holy Ghost.

Because the last year was such a trial, know that I can relate...I certainly do not know what you are going through or experiencing, but I can relate. I'm so grateful that you have the gospel. I'm so grateful you have a wonderful family. I'm so grateful that you have lived a full wonderful life. And, here's to many more years ahead!

The favorite quote from my mom, "I will live until I die, and I will die happy because I have lived." Our family now lives by this quote. Because we all die, but we must first all live!

I wish you life, peace and comfort.

I hope that I haven't overstepped any bounds with this email. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. You are a tower of strength. God bless.

Emily Ravsten

Heidi said...

The thought of you crying alone, breaks my heart.

I think anyone going through what you are would have just such moments, but hopefully,before the hot water runs out,you are able to find strength and peace, and to feel the love that surrounds you.

It is hard. So hard.

You are amazing and always have been.