And this was kind of a slow day for me in terms of events. I really feel so lucky to be in the space I am in right now. But I know that I have some critics. And while I maintain that I am not ashamed, and feel no need to apologize, I did spend some time today asking myself how I can feel so much peace when just the notion of my situation can cause others discomfort.
My final thoughts may change on the subject, but as I get ready to lay down my head for some very peaceful sleep, this is my current hypothesis...Karma.
I am not the victim of anything...but adult style trials started showing up early in my life. The death of my brother, disease, concern about my own mortality, abandonment, standing-up alone, loneliness, disappointment - much of this before I even left the safety of my parents home. Then as I ventured out on my own I continued to bump up against life's challenges. I often lacked finesse, but I always found a way to get through it. And with each victory, I found myself more and more fatigued. And I would often plead from my knees for a break.
I know from experience that the tough moments are what make us interesting and fantastic...but I was as interesting and fantastic as I thought I could handle, and I couldn't imagine that my life necessitated continual refinement at such a chaotic pace.
And now...here I am...in this most tranquil of places. I've happily discarded my harder and grumpier coping devices in exchange for happiness and peace. I'm rarely disappointed in anything. I feel blessed and joyful many times throughout every day. I'm beginning to understand what is most important to me, and I'm willing to be made aware of weaknesses standing in my way.
I might be wrong, but I feel like this is a short break from the Refiner's Fire...and that I've earned the right to be here. I don't expect it to last forever (cause let's be honest, who doesn't want to become more interesting and more fantastic), but I do expect that I will soak up every second while it lasts!