For weeks I had convinced myself that I would feel better about my condition if it were the consequence of my own actions. I was certain that I would have a sense of peace (or at least control!) if that were the case...but I see things differently now.
I can now appreciate the peace that I have because my trials are not the consequences of poor decisions. That there is a confidence available to me by knowing I've lived my life as best as I can and have not brought these things upon myself or my loved ones.
I guess it means that I'm beginning to see the light again.