In my congregation, the first hour of church is spent broken into separate auxiliaries, so the women and men meet separately for gospel discussion. Today, the topic for discussion was Be Positive. (Ironic given that before Salty and I had even finished backing out of the garage for our departure, I was already making excuses to return home early.)
During the discussion, we were asked to individually identify something we do to maintain, or achieve, a positive outlook. I recognized that I often consider how the weight of my words will impact the receiver of those words, and I do my best. for their sake, to put a positive spin on things. Usually the end result is that I believe the words I speak...eventually.
By the time class had concluded, I had mentally agreed to only speak positive words...
...then I was immediately asked how I was doing. And then again. And then again. And then again, etc.
I feel like garbage. I feel discouraged. I feel uncertain. I feel exhausted. I feel picked on. I feel lonely. I feel scared.
But these aren't things you casually mention in a chapel hallway. And the truth is, I don't know how to answer the question because I feel torn. In addition to the feelings I listed above, I also:
Feel fortunate. Feel optimistic. Feel loved. Feel enthusiastic. Feel funny (ha-ha). Feel happy. Feel peaceful.
And if you combine all of those things together, well then, I'm just crazy!
I'm still working on how to be honest, when honest is less than positive. I'm also learning to remember that in spite of the negative, there is still a lot that is positive.
I guess Being Positive is more difficult than I wanted it to be.