In the past there have been times when I've felt that a blog post a day is a terrible goal. Some days just felt anorexic of material. Tonight is the opposite...I'm suffering from blogger's bulimia. My brain is full and turning over and over. And I've started a dozen posts, then deleted them. Then started again.
Part of my challenge is the open blog forum. When I knew that my audience only consisted of 3 hand-picked individuals, the art of editing was a piece of cake. But now, it's a big old mystery. And I do not possess cojones large enough to make the statement that "this is my journal and I can write every correct or incorrect thought that travels through my mind". I feel strongly that the reason Diaries are kept under mattresses and in air vents, is because we know that those writing exercises are for therapeutic reasons only. Very little good ever came from my teenage rantings! In fact, when I've stumbled upon them, I've destroyed them (except for a few "love lists" that put smiles on my face...god bless Blake Carlson, Ryan Wozniak, Brent Robinson, Brad Bell and Rusty Watterson, wherever you are!)
I guess I can offer a summary of my current fog...
Relationships are my greatest possession. It's a skill with a euphoric reward. So when I find myself upside down in relationships, it can quickly throw me off my game. The logical side of my mind keeps telling me that no one can have a magical relationship with everyone in their life and balance is found as we weed out taxing relationships. The emotional side of my mind hates that advice and wants more than anything to figure out how to fix the relationships that seem to be lacking the most.
I'm finding it to be a nearly impossible one-sided task. And so my head spins. I just want to have permission to love unfiltered. And, selfishly, be loved in return.