1 - I left for church this morning feeling really great about my preparation and the message for today's Sunday School lesson. Somehow, it went horribly wrong.
We were discussing discipleship (well, at least, I thought we were) and I used an analogy about marriage and divorce to talk about our dedication levels. But mentioning the word marriage to a congregation of middle-aged lonely hearts, evokes the same reaction as aiming a laser pointer in front of a cat...they go berserk and completely lose their minds...and then feel compelled to share it with the class.
I felt like I was drowning. I felt like all of my "careful preparation" was lousy. I felt like I don't want those 2 girls to ever be in my class again. Then I felt like a lousy disciple for having those thoughts...but I didn't stop having them.
2 - Not too long ago I posed a question to an ecclesiastic leader. I asked if it was possible that finding love outside of the church wasn't somehow better than not ever finding love at all. Apparently it came up today in a discussion with our congregation leadership...and it seems that they were torn over the correct response.
I'm torn over the correct response as well. I absolutely believe everything that I have been taught about covenant marriage. I have no doubt in the blessings that are promised. I long for the joy associated. But it is not happening for me. I have yet to find myself in a mutually interested relationship with an active member of my faith.
I'm not denying that it isn't the preferred method, I'm just wondering if there isn't another option? I so badly want to find someone who will let me love him and will love me in return. I know that there are a lot of amazing men outside my faith and I can't help but wonder if there isn't some happiness there...especially since those men tend to express the most interest in me.
3 - David 3-ways:
#1 is a friendly guy who has never really tried to have a conversation with me before. It wasn't a bad conversation, but it wasn't flowing super natural either. From the beginning, I tried to create an exit opportunity...until I saw #2 lurking in the shadows, staring intently. At that point I tried to create opportunities to prolong the conversation with #1 hoping that #2 would get bored and go away...Ha!
#2 finally lost his patience and came in closer and stood silently as #1 and I tried to continue our discussion. Soon, #1 uncomfortably wrapped things up and left me alone with #2. #2 then launched into an awkward monologue of compliment. He shared kind words, but the delivery was soooooooo uncomfortable. And no matter how often I thanked him in an attempt to end it, he just kept going. Not even the introduction of #3 slowed him down!
#3 is a dear friend and I'm convinced that he was making an attempt to save me as he came and put an arm around my shoulder and interrupted with his own line of conversation. But he was clearly in a hurry to get somewhere and couldn't outlast #2...who seemed unfazed by the interruption and at the departure of #3, added a few more compliments to the long list.
...more than just a glimpse into the social workings of my congregation, a weird trio of men named Dave. Hm?
4 - The topper to the day came when I finally sat C.S. down for a frank conversation about our situation. I had warned him that it would be awkward, but hoped it wouldn't be painful. He let me say my piece. I shared with him my feelings of adoration, and then asked him to respect my disappearing act. I think so highly of him that I need his cooperation of distance in order to allow myself to be open to other opportunities. He had nothing to say. I know that it was what I needed to do or say, but I have to admit I feel like a big jerk. Which is really weird, right? He rejected me. He is not interested in me. And yet, I feel bad about making it clear and final.
Now I can only hope that I find a crush replacement soon. I'd hate to find myself in a desperate situation where I am suddenly thinking about adopting #2 as the man of the year!