Wow!

I had the most fantastically bad "date" last night. Really. So, so bad. It is these moments that make me grateful for single life, because I could be bound to a man like this guy for-ev-er!

Had I any pressing responsibilities today, I would have bailed shortly after arriving, but I'm flexible and curious enough to have stayed to find out what could possibly be coming next! I will admit, in retrospect, that I probably encouraged him a little bit...but it was impossible not to poke the bear a little.

S.M. was a fix-up about 4 years ago. He's smart, good looking, witty, masculine, and LDS (sort of). I liked him then, but it was clear we had different application methods to living our religion. After a handful of dates, and an oddly timed removal of his shirt, it phased out. A couple of years later, I learned that S.M. and I had a mutual friend in C.K. She informed me that he was engaged to be married and I took that opportunity to remove his contact info from my phone.

Fast forward to January of 2011 when I humbly signed up for eHarmony in a foolish moment of relationship hopefulness. One of my very first matches was S.M. I quickly closed the match after confirming that he was, indeed still single. I guess I had a "been there, done that" attitude.

A month later, I received an unknown call...turns out that eHarmony match had put me back on his radar. My breezy approach and his charming ways made for an easy conversation and we've been keeping in touch by phone and text since.

After a particularly "flexty" week, he asked me to his place for last evening. I think we all should get a second chance, plus he called me sweetie and I caved. The flirty part of me is anxious to replace my last crush with a fresh one. The affectionate part of me aches for some attention. The curious part of me loves a fresh intrigue...so I downloaded a fresh podcast and set out for his place last night.

Dude! Wow!

I don't want to weigh this post down by typing the phrase "and then he checked his phone and sent a text" every other sentence, so I'll just inform you now, that after and during each bizarre scene of the night, he checked his phone and sent a text.

He was kind enough to shower just before my arrival, but too lazy to put on more than a t-shirt and pajama pants (flashbacks to the one-legged man in sweatpants date anyone?). His hair was still wet and the only redeeming aspect was that it was still that long, thick, sexy Gaston hair that I loved before.

He seemed nervous, so I did what I do best and chatted him up to put him at ease. Man, am I good at it...only a few minutes until he emotionally vomited the past 4 years of poor relationship choices all over the living room. I felt badly for him, but couldn't really understand what he wanted from me. We certainly aren't close, so it's hard for me to offer any perspective or advice, but it seemed to be what he was asking for. When I told him that I was at a loss, he dialed up PPV to order us a movie...odd segue, no?

Instead of the dinner that he'd offered to cook, he brought in a spread of chips and dip, popcorn, and licorice. I was glad to not be hungry because watching him devour his junk food, like a recently dumped teenager, was so off-putting.

The movie was soooo bad that I couldn't help from laughing at the most critical moments. And confession, I don't know if that laughter was inspired by the bad movie, or the fact that S.M. kept asking me to rub out knots in his back or calf caused by a weekend of snowboarding. I indulged, but with a clinical approach and made sure to avoid any suggestive touch.

He offered me a back rub....but how could I accept? So I cozied deeper into my corner of the couch and kept stealing glances at this fascinating man. He seems to have so much going for him, yet he's such a social disaster. I knew that he wanted a hook-up to be in the works, but his tactics were sooooo bizarre! I won't lie, I went to his house with an open mind....I've never denied liking a good hook-up, but I will never be that desperate (God forbid!).

As he saw his window of opportunity close, he gave me his finale move by taking off his shirt???? Really???? Is that acceptable game these days? Is that how he tends to get what he wants? If so, who are the women that are falling for this garbage? I can only compare it to a peacock displaying his tail...but I'm just not animalistic for that to work on me.

So the night ended much like 4 years ago, with S.M. half nekked and me laughing and leaving.

I've been lucky to escape this and other scenarios unharmed, but I need to seriously reconsider my willingness to be open minded and forgiving and adventurous in the future....because the next time could lead to the perfect Lifetime movie script!