The Next...?

Well, it was fun to explore, but I'm clearly no closer to an answer than I was before.

A good friend keeps telling me that I'm the most capable woman that he knows...he clearly hasn't spent enough time around Sheri, the most capable woman I know. And guess what Sheri was able to do with her capabilities? Exactly! She was a top-tier wife and mother. And what do I want to do with my capabilities? You got it! Follow in Sheri's footsteps. But I'm not willing to wife a man who isn't looking to partner with his spouse. And after much consideration, it turns out that I'm not ready to mother children all on my own. I know that whatever I do next, it has to be a pursuit of passion.

It's been one year since I attended a session with the Johnson O'Conner Research Foundation, hopeful that the results would provide some clarity and direction to finding my passion. My greatest fear was that there would not be a clear direction and that I would score equally in each category...self prophecy? Perhaps. There are only two careers where I believe a high aptitude in every category can be satisfied...1.) a researcher with the foundation, and 2.) a wife and mom.

1. I've often thought back to my decision to turn down the position that was offered...I know that it was greatly influenced by my resistance to moving back to Denver - again. But for the right opportunity, could I have found a way to make it work?
2. The expectation that the "land of plenty (of marriage opportunities)" would be found west of the Rockies was a silly little myth that so many of my faith fall for.

I have always maintained that there aren't a lot of things that I would be unwilling to do for my family. But it's just me...just me to care for, just me to invest in, just me to entertain, just me to sleep with at night...and I need to love what I'm doing during the days to sleep well with myself at night!

I have spent a good portion of today reviewing open job opportunities. And I know that with a little bit of effort, I'll have a job in no time. But I'm terrified. I have this ca-razy fear that I'll take a job and spend three months figuring it out and then find myself bored. Then the only logical option will seem to be finding a way of climbing the company ladder, if only to keep myself interested. And then I'll find myself taking on more responsibility than I ever really wanted. And then, with no wisdom at all, I'll soon be dumping everything I have into an opportunity I never wanted for an employer who doesn't really care and I'll lose all of the life that I've found inside of myself these last few weeks!!!!

There has to be a passion tucked away inside of me right? A passion other than the one I have for the people I love. Because, although loving the people in my life is by far the reason I get out of bed every morning, those people aren't paying the rent or providing health insurance.